While it feels in many ways like a lifetime ago to me now, the reality is that it was only a few short years ago that found me at a very dark time in my life. I had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and depression was my unwanted, yet continual, companion on a daily basis. As hard as I tried and as desperately as I wanted to, I couldn't shake free from the darkness that permeated every part of my being. I began taking antidepressants which led to what seemed a never-ending journey of doctors trying to find the right cocktail of medications to fix my broken brain before the darkness swept me away for good. Thankfully, the right blend of medicines and weekly counseling sessions with a head doctor in combination with the unconditional love, encouragement and prayers from my family and friends eventually pulled me back from the brink of calling it quits for good. To say that I'm grateful for the people who loved and cared about me through the darkest time of my life is indeed the greatest understatement ever made. I know that I can never repay them for all they did, but I hope that seeing who I am today shows them that all they did for me was not in vain.
During those dark days, one friend in particular had the idea that if I tried to focus on the things that brought me even a glimmer of happiness, I could perhaps find my way back to who she called "the real Terrie." The Terrie who loved her children and grandchildren so very deeply and would never hurt them in any way ... the Terrie who cared for others ... the Terrie who was always willing to help where and when she was needed ... the Terrie who was filled with joy, happiness, compassion, love and humor. If I had a nickel for every time my friend said to me during that dark time, "We all want the real Terrie back," I could probably buy myself a vacation home in the mountains 10 times over.
My friend's idea began with a list ... a list she asked me to compose and then share it with her. Accountability, you know. Which, by the way, I was definitely not a fan of back then. I'd be lying if I said I went into the happy things list-making project with a good attitude ... far, far from it. Truth be told, I was angry that my friend even suggested I make the list in the first place. I mean, come on ... who was she to be telling me that making a list of happy things could possibly help me escape the darkness? I did it, mind you, because I valued the friendship we had ... I did it, but I did not in any way believe it would help me. Nope, nope, nope. But I did it and over time, my friend and I deemed the list "The Happiness Project." Probably not the most original or catchy name we could have come up with, but it adequately reflected the ultimate goal of the list ... helping me get back to me and even more important, helping me to focus on all the good in my life. The good that was being overshadowed by the darkness ... the good that was there all along ... the good that deserved all the hard work it took for me to find it again.
I'd really like to be able to tell you that the list was an overnight fix in helping to rid me of my depression, but that wasn't the case. I've come to realize that The Happiness Project was a part of the entire journey toward me breaking free from the darkness ... a very important part of breaking free. In reality, it took years ... years of hard work ... years of prayer ... years of following doctors' orders ... years of listening to the people who loved me ... and yes, years of trying to understand the importance of The Happiness Project before I could finally say (and really mean it) that I'm happy. Deeply and genuinely happy and ready for whatever life may bring, knowing that even though the darkness may try to raise its ugly head, I am determined to do everything in my power to never let it take over again ... never, never, never.
I could fill a million blog posts with all the reasons I'm happy now, but there are some that are definitely front and center. My children ... all six of them ... my children, my children, my children. I cannot say enough about them ... about the way they love me, the way they care for me, the way they honor me every single day. My eight grandchildren ... they are each absolutely perfect in every way and you'll never convince me otherwise. My sister and brother ... each day they remain such a big part of my life is a true blessing. My nieces and nephews and great nieces and great nephews ... I know how much they love me and I love them double that. My friends ... near and far, young and old, ones I've known only a short while and those I've known for decades ... I believe with all my heart that friends are such a gift from God and I am beyond blessed to have so many in my life. My doggos Ollie and Finn ... they make me smile every day, give the best cuddles and keep me moving on our daily walks. And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my new life in the country ... I completely love small-town life and my little house on the prairie. I have so very, very much to be happy about, friends ... so very, very much indeed.
Since The Happiness Project first became a part of my life, I've made a point of going back every now and again and reading through my original list. Over the years, I've added to it and I've taken a few things away, too. You see, I've learned that some of the things on the original list weren't as critical to my happiness as I thought they were at the time. I've come to understand that happiness most often isn't about the external things in life as it is about what's inside of me ... what's inside my mind, what's inside my heart, what's inside my soul. Though I wasn't at all happy about The Happiness Project in the beginning, I know now that it was one of the best things anyone ever did for me. I will be forever grateful for the push my friend gave me all those years ago and forever grateful for the reminders from the people all around me to continue on The Happiness Project until the day I draw my last breath.
So here's the thing ... it's a new year and I know that for some of you, that simply means a change in the calendar. I know that some of you are struggling, some of you are hurting, and some of you are even near the end of your rope. I want to encourage you to talk to someone ... to make your own list ... to never ever give up. I can promise you beyond the shadow of any doubt that there's a light at the end of the tunnel ... a bright, glorious, happy light.
Happy New Year, friends ... make it the best one yet!
