You Do Not Talk About Fight Club

One of the things I don’t like about flying … yes, I said “one of the things” because there are many things that contribute to my severe aversion of being in an airplane … one of the things I really, really, really don’t like is when my ears feel as though they are going to explode (or implode as the case may be). I hate, hate, hate that feeling … that feeling of pressure inside my head that simply will not go away no matter how many times I swallow or yawn or how hard I chomp my gum or how much water I drink. Side note … drinking all that water in an attempt to get my ears to stop hurting only serves to make me need to pee and I absolutely, positively, adamantly, without the tiniest shred of any doubt refuse to pee on an airplane and I’m pretty sure I would let my colon explode before I would poop on an airplane … seriously … where does that pee and poop go anyway? Wait … how did I go from ear pain to peeing and pooping on an airplane? Oh … drinking water to get my ears to depressurize … trust me, I’m scared of the way my brain works, too. So back to my aching ears on a plane thing … I really do hate it, and you know why? Because it hurts, of course … duh … but another big part of why I hate it is because there’s not one darn thing I can do to change it. It hurts like heck and I am completely and totally helpless in making it stop.

I’ve been thinking a lot over the course of the last couple of days about hurt and helplessness … about which of the two is the most difficult for me to deal with … and I’ve come to the astute and profound conclusion that I really don’t much like either one of them. And … I’d be willing to bet there are a ton of you who feel exactly the same way. During the course of my thinking, I’ve decided that perhaps the two are entwined, braided together like a thick, heavy rope. I think it may well be impossible for hurt to survive without feeling at least a little helpless … I mean really … who would hurt or allow themselves to be hurt if they felt they had the power to stop it? And I think it’s impossible to feel helpless and not have it be accompanied by hurt … it hurts both emotionally and physically when people feel helpless to help themselves or someone else. At least that’s true for me anyway … when I’m hurt, more often than not, I feel helpless, and when I feel helpless, it just plain old hurts to know there’s nothing I can do to make it go away.

Last Saturday night, I was channel surfing in an attempt to find something that would hold my attention for more than five minutes … don’t judge me … it was one of those nights when I needed a distraction from another weekend at home alone. I came across a movie I haven’t seen in a really long time, a movie I remember watching with my sons … “Fight Club” starring Edward Norton and Brad Pitt. The film certainly wouldn’t make it into my all-time favorite movies list because it’s too violent for my taste, but I will say that the storyline is quite intriguing to me … intriguing enough that I sat on my couch until the wee hours watching the entire movie. Even though I’ve seen the movie several times, I was especially struck in my most recent viewing by the reveal near the end of the film. The character played by Pitt, Tyler Durden, existed only within the mind of Norton’s character, whose name remains a mystery throughout the film. Durden was nothing more than an insomnia-induced attempt by Norton’s character to fight back … to not be helpless … to push through the hurt … to win.

If you’ve been reading along with me for a while, you know I’m not a fighter … I usually do one of two things when it comes to confrontation … run like the wind or get my butt kicked. Actually, now that I think about it, there are lots of times when I try my best to run and I still end up getting my butt kicked. I do everything I possibly can to avoid fighting with anyone, but I beat the living crap out of myself every day. I have my own personal Fight Club going on inside my mind all the time … seriously … all the flipping time. I’m not good enough, am I? I’ll never measure up, will I? I’m not smart enough, am I? I can’t help anyone, can I? I’m not worthy of being loved, am I? I don’t deserve to be happy, do I? I’ll never fit in, will I? And just like Norton’s character being the only one who gets hurt in his self-inflicted Fight Club in the movie, the only person who gets hurt in my own personal Fight Club is me. And here’s the thing, friends … if I spend all my time and energy fighting against myself, there’s not much left in me when I need to stand up and fight for the people and things that matter most. If I’m focused on my own personal Fight Club, I don’t see or hear or understand the truth … I can’t help others if I’m only fighting myself.

There’s only one way to close tonight’s post … of course there is only one way, friends … of course there is indeed.

Rules of Fight Club:

1st Rule: You do not talk about Fight Club.
2nd Rule: You DO NOT talk about Fight Club.
3rd Rule: If someone says "stop," goes limp or taps out, the fight is over.
4th Rule: Only two guys to a fight.
5th Rule: One fight at a time.
6th Rule: No shirts, no shoes.
7th Rule: Fights will go on as long as they have to.
8th Rule: If this is your first night at Fight Club, you HAVE to fight.