Other than being on every human's list of sheer and utter deliciousness ... and if they aren't, they most certainly should be ... all of those items I mentioned in my opening paragraph moved quickly into the "off-limits" category for me a few years ago when I was diagnosed with diabetes. I'm 100+ pounds lighter now that I don't eat any of those yummy things anymore, which means I'm much healthier than I was when I did eat them. It's good that I don't eat three bowls of Meghann's mashed potatoes for breakfast anymore, washed down with a giant sugar-laden frappucino with a chaser of a half a bag of Rollos candy ... oh, man, how did I leave Rollos off of my aforementioned list? For the most part, I don't crave those off-limits foods, but every now and again I'll have a day when I'd give everything I own to have a gigantic bowl of Meghann's mashed potatoes or a big, tall glass of sweet tea or a couple ... OK, OK, 10 ... bags of Doritos or a few dozen slices of ooey-gooey pizza. I definitely miss Meghann's mashed potatoes the most of all, but a chicken and spinach Alfredo pizza sure comes in at a close second.
As you may have surmised from my previous post, I was pretty worn out by the time last week was over ... so much so that I spent a good amount of time Friday evening laying on my couch and surfing the Internet. I rarely look at recipes or cooking blogs or anything food related, but something caught my eye that night that caused me to get up off my beloved couch and dig out a diabetic cookbook that Matt and Becca gave me for Christmas not long after I was diagnosed. As I browsed through the book, one particular recipe title jumped off the page at me ... Cauliflower Fake Pizza Crust. I'll readily admit that I was skeptical when I read the words, "So close to flour crust, you won't be able to tell the difference," but you can bet your butt that when I went to the grocery store on Saturday, I bought the necessary ingredients to give that sucker a try. After the crust was finished baking, I topped it with a little bit of Alfredo sauce, frozen spinach, grilled chicken and a healthy dose of cheese, popped it back in the oven for another 15 minutes and waited rather impatiently for it to be done so I could taste it. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I had to cut myself off or I would have eaten the entire "pizza" in one sitting. Unlike a lot of substitute foods for those of us on low-carb, low-sugar diets, the fake crust really did taste like real pizza crust.
So why am I writing about my most delicious fake pizza crust? I'm sure you've heard the saying, "Fake it till you make it," haven't you? I'm guessing most of us have heard that phrase used multiple times in multiple contexts during the course of our lives ... at least I know I have anyway. I think I've probably heard it more ... no,wait ... I know I've definitely heard it more than ever since I was diagnosed with depression. I've learned that it's merely a lack of understanding concerning the illness that is depression that causes people to say things like, "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps," or "Just choose to be happy," or "Count your blessings instead of your sorrows," or my personal favorite, "You can get glad in the same britches you got sad in if you just put your mind to it." But the "Fake it till you make it" phrase? Well, those words fall into an entirely different category for me ... those words make me think and consider and ponder and mull over the basic precept of what they're encouraging me to do, or not do, as the case may be.
Perhaps part of the reason those words cause me to think so deeply is because I lived five decades of my life trying with everything in me to fake it until I made it ... trying so desperately to believe that if I just faked it long enough, I would wake up one day and miraculously be straight instead of gay. Maybe that's why I struggle with the concept of faking it till I make it ... maybe it's because I know what it feels like to hide who I am and to bury what I feel. But then there are times when I want to do just that ... fake it until I make it and believe with everything within me that it will work. Those are the times when I wish I could just take a scalpel to my soul and slice away my aversion to pretending ... times when I wish I could just turn off that "be open, honest, real and transparent" mantra within my brain and fake it till I make it. Trust me when I say, you have absolutely no idea how many times I wish I could fake it till I make it ... you have absolutely no idea.
So here's the thing, friends ... even though the cauliflower pizza crust is really, really, really good and I'll definitely be eating a lot more of it, I will always know it's not the real deal. No matter how many times I consume the cauliflower crust or how great it tastes, I'll always know the truth ... I'll always know what's really inside that crust ... and I'll know what's not. And for tonight, that's good enough for me ... that's good enough for me, sweet friends ... that's good enough for me.
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