Paying it Forward

Sometimes it's hard for me to believe it's been four years since I sat sobbing my heart out in a conference room at work with a then vice president of the company where I work ... sobbing my heart out as I unintentionally came crawling out of the closet. There are times when I feel like the events of that day happened only yesterday, and there are other times when it seems like they took place a lifetime ago. There are days when I marvel at the perfectly orchestrated plan that led me to that room on that particular day with that particular person, and then there are days when I feel the need to chalk it up to mere coincidence because I simply cannot wrap my mind around the magnitude of the where and why and how of what took place that day.

There are weeks when I go digging around in the depths of my soul and I see an entirely different person than I was four years ago. I see a stronger, more confident, authentic me ... I see a more content and satisfied me, a more accepting and transparent me. But there also remain weeks when I can barely force myself to look within because I see the same old me. I see a frightened, lonely, condemned me ... I see a rejected and despised me, an isolated and hopeless me. But ... and this is a big but ... no matter the times, no matter the days, no matter the weeks, there is one truth that somehow continues to rise to the top of my abundantly self-deprecating mind: I am making progress. Granted that there are many times when my progress may feel as though it's creeping slower than a caterpillar on a rainy day, the fact remains that it is indeed progress. And for today ... for this special day ... that's good enough for me.

As it should be, tonight I'm joined in writing by two amazing women ... two amazing women who humble me, inspire me and challenge me. Two amazing women who are committed to making the world a better place ... one person at a time. So grab a bag of Doritos and a Dr. Pepper and settle in to read for a bit. Consider yourself warned, however ... you may come away from this evening's post with an overwhelming desire to first count your blessings and then to pay it forward.



The first time it happened to me was several years ago at the drive-thru window of my favorite Starbucks. I reached out to give my debit card to the gal working the window and was surprised when she waved it away as she said, "No charge today ... the gentleman in the car in front of you paid for your drink." I was even more surprised as she went on to tell me that the gifting had been going on for a couple of days, not just in the drive-thru lane but inside the store as well. The Starbucks employee then asked me if I'd like to join in on the "pay it forward" phenomenon and pay for the drink of the person in the car behind me, and I didn't hesitate as I handed her my debit card and said, "You bet I do!" As I pulled away from the window that morning, I smiled as I pondered which made me happier, having my drink paid for by the person in the car in front of me or paying for the drink of the person in the car behind me. That may well have been the shortest length of pondering time on record for me as I quickly said aloud, "Man, that felt good! Paying for that guy's drink when he wasn't expecting it felt really, really good!"

"Have you ever thought about what your legacy will be? Does it have to be big and impact hundreds of people? Or is it simply something people remember most about you? How do you define your legacy and then live it most every day? What do you want to be remembered for? And then how do live that more and more each day? Are you a person who pays it forward? Are you showing people your best self most of the time? Are you living the life you want to, knowing what your legacy will be?"

"Giving is good for both our physical and emotional health. A wide range of research has consistently linked differing forms of generosity to better health, even among the chronically ill and elderly. Researchers suggest that one reason may improve physical health and longevity is that it helps to decrease stress, which is associated with a variety of physical issues and ailments. People who give to others maintain a lower blood pressure, suggesting a direct physiological benefit to those who give of themselves. Studies conducted by the National Institutes of Health found that the act of giving activates regions of the brain associated with pleasure, social connection and trust creating a 'warm glow' effect. Scientists believe that altruistic behavior releases endorphins in the brain that produce the positive feeling known as the 'helper's high.'"

I'm pretty sure I'm safe in saying that I've learned a life lesson or two on my journey of the last four years. A lot of those lessons have been big ones ... huge, gigantic, life-altering lessons, not the least of which has been learning how important it is to pay it forward. I wouldn't be here today had certain people chosen not to invest in me. Those kind and compassionate people made a conscious decision to give freely of themselves to help me ... while expecting nothing in return for themselves, I might add ... and in doing so, they created within me a desire to give of myself to others. After all they did for me, how could I not choose to do the same for someone else? How could I not pay it forward, friends ... how could I not?

"We have had an incredible life coach at work, someone we have all been so fortunate to work with for several years. During one work session, she had us write our own obituary. Sitting down, taking time to think about what I want others to remember about me. To think about how they will recap my life here on earth. This is a very humbling and intimidating process, among other things. But it quickly becomes very inspirational and a bit scary. What have I done that is noteworthy? What will I do that is noteworthy? Do I need to do anything that is noteworthy? What will my family remember most about me? Will I have been there for my friends? Will I have helped co-workers when they needed me most? What if I haven't helped enough? What can I shift to ensure I'm living the life I want to be remembered for? How can I constantly be building toward my legacy?"

"Giving promotes cooperation and social connection. When we give to others, our generosity is likely to be rewarded down the line; sometimes by the person you gave to and sometimes by someone else. These exchanges promote a sense of trust and cooperation that strengthens our ties to others and makes us feel connected rather than isolated. When we give to others, we make them feel closer to us and we also feel closer to them as well. Being kind and generous leads us to perceive others in a more positive light, fostering a heightened awareness and empathy to their needs and causing us to be more receptive when we are the receiver of kindness." 

If you would have told me four years ago that my coming out post would quickly lead me to a place of understanding what paying it forward truly means, I would have thought you were out of your mind. But there I was on January 1, 2013, sitting alone in the dark in the middle of my living room reading message after message after message from people I knew I would never meet this side of heaven. People like Elizabeth, the 13-year-old girl who wrote, "I'm 13 years old and all I want to do is die. I have a gun and I have bullets and all I want to do is die." Or Maurice who said, "I'm still in the closet and I'm 82 years old." Or Elisa whose words carved a crevice deep into my heart on that cold, rainy January night ... "Now go help other people who need you."

"When I think of my own legacy, I hope it's one built around positivity. And one of personal growth. How can I help others become the best, most successful, most positive version of themselves? How can I work to bring happiness and success to those around me? When I think about my kids' future and what I can help them build, it always seems to come back to happiness, success, fulfillment. And a lot of kindness along the way."

"Giving is contagious. When one person behaves generously it often inspires observers to behave generously too, toward different people. Researchers have found that each person has the ability to influence or help dozens or even hundreds of people by helping one by applying the three degrees theory - you give to one person who then gives to another who then gives to another and each of those people give to others. The long-term effects of the initial act of generosity can jumpstart a cycle of giving where one person's behavior triggers that of another. One simple act of kindness carries with it the potential to create a wave of giving that extends far beyond your initial purchase of the guy's coffee in the car behind you."

It didn't happen overnight, but I've eventually found ways to pay it forward following my conference room confession four years ago. I began speaking to groups of LGBT teens and their parents, served as a panelist at suicide prevention seminars, created the Ears Wide Open? video, "helped old ladies put their groceries into their cars, took food and blankets to my homeless pals who live under the bridge, listened when a friend needed to talk ... I began looking for every opportunity I could find to help someone else along the way. And guess what happened? I quickly realized that every time I paid it forward, it caused me to spend my time focusing on others than on myself. That night I delivered the hams in the hood and met the elderly gentleman who told me he and his wife had gone without food for three days? I sure as heck wasn't thinking about all my stuff when that old guy's eyes filled with tears as he thanked me for the ham. It was impossible to worry about my own problems while I was standing outside on a dark November night wishing I had an old-fashioned handkerchief to give the old man who stood before me with tears pouring down his face. Plain and simple ... paying it forward is good for my soul and I'd bet my last penny it will be good for yours as well.

"It's a lot to think about. How will you be remembered? What will your legacy be? What can you start doing today to build toward that? What can you stop doing that is taking from your best self? Go build a legacy, friends! Start small and make a big impact. Your legacy is up to you - no one else can write that for you. Or maybe they can, but do you want them to??"

"Giving evokes gratitude. Giving can be a means of expressing gratitude or instilling it in the recipient and gratitude is integral to happiness. Cultivating a sense of gratitude in our daily lives causes us to be more optimistic and to feel better about our lives overall. When we express our gratitude in words or actions, we not only boost our own positivity but that of others as well. Think of it in this way, who is happier when you give your dog a treat, you or your dog? As our good friend Terrie would say: stew on that one for a while."

If I haven't learned anything else during the last four years, I've learned this ... paying it forward is a lot like tossing a rock into a still pool of water. Doing something kind for another person has the potential to send ripples out into the world far beyond what I can see. So many people made a conscious decision to give freely of themselves to help me while expecting nothing in return for themselves, and my guess is that many of you have people in your own lives who've done the same for you. How can I ... how can you ... how can we not choose to do the same for someone else? How can we not pay it forward, friends ... how can we not?