Never Before

Birthdays have never meant much to me, perhaps because of when my birthday is ... December 26. I don't remember having parties as a kid where other children attended; my friends and their families were wrapped up in the aftermath of Christmas. Oh, we got together as a family, and my sister always made sure that I had a totally awesome cake. And, for the most part, my family was great about giving me a separate gift for my birthday and not a combination Christmas/birthday present. All the same, birthdays just never carried a lot of special meaning for me.

Last year, I turned 50 ... and quite honestly ... that was the first birthday that bothered me a little. All of a sudden, I just felt, well, old. Suddenly rather than seeing myself as still young and at times even rather cool and hip, I noticed that my hair is white; my bones ache when the weather changes; and I forget things a lot more than I used to. Instead of thinking that more than half of my life remained ahead of me, I found myself thinking that my life was more than half over. Little did I realize that my 50th year would be such a defining year, a year that would change me in so many ways.

As I was driving home from the vet with my wounded wiener dog on Tuesday morning, it hit me ... this year has been my "never before" year. Never before have I walked five miles a day every day. Never before have I lived alone for a whole year. Never before have I been invited to speak in England. Never before have I lost over 100 pounds. Never before have I written so many blogs. Never before have I danced with my dogs in the living room. Never before have I shared the deepest, darkest parts of my life with another person. Never before have I seen my beautiful daughter so in love. Never before have I slept all night outside in a hammock. Never before have I read over 200 books in one year. Never before have I seen my oldest son receive his master's degree. Never before have I gone fishing all by myself. Never before have I eaten spaghetti squash. Never before have I attended a film festival to see a film made by my second son. Never before have I had to learn to drink again. Never before have I had two such loving and devoted dogs. Never before have I been to Breckenridge.

And while all of those never befores have impacted me in major and significant ways, they pale in comparison with the never befores that really matter ... never before have I been so broken before my Lord ... never before have I experienced the kind of faith that demands my total and complete surrender ... never before have I spent so much time on my face before God ... never before have I felt God's arms wrapped so tightly around me ... never before have I shed so many tears of confession and repentance ... never before have I truly understood the depth of God's mercy and grace.

My 51st birthday is quickly approaching ... never before have I been 51 years old.