If I Only Had a Brain

My dad was a deacon in the Baptist church during my growing up years, and he had a philosophy concerning church attendance. It was quite simple, actually ... if the church doors were open, our family was there. And honestly, there were times that I just flat out did not want to go to church, especially on Sunday nights. Because ... that's when the weekly Disney movie came on TV. Yes, some of you are so young that you will find my next statement hard to believe. There was a time when there were only the three major networks on television, along with maybe an educational public channel. No cable, no Internet, no Cartoon Network ... three channels. And Sunday night was Disney movie night.

I prayed a lot as a kid ... I prayed that I would be sick on Sunday nights so that I could stay home and watch the movie. Or at the very least that I could fake being sick to the point that I was believable enough to get Daddy to cave in and allow me to miss church. Sometimes I look back on the things I did in my youth and I wonder what I was thinking ... or if I was even thinking at all when I acted on some of the schemes that popped into my brain. And I'm quite certain in my adult years that I never fooled Daddy for one minute with my sick act. I'm sure he thought that once in a while, I just needed to stay home and watch a movie.

On one of those Sunday nights when I really was legitimately ill, I watched The Wizard of Oz. Perhaps it was my high fever or my lack of sleep for a couple of nights, but that movie terrified me. The house caught up in the tornado ... the flying monkeys ... the wicked witch ... all frightening images that seared themselves into my brain. But the one part of that movie that creeps into my dreams even now and scares me to pieces? The scarecrow. Yep, the guy with no brain. Forget that his body was made of straw ... he sang that "If I Only Had a Brain" song. I have goosebumps just writing about it.

Last year, I had to have an MRI on my brain, and I was ecstatic when my doctor called and confirmed that I did indeed have a brain. No, I'm serious ... ecstatic. There have been times in my life when I've wondered, based on decisions I've made and things I've done, if I really did have a brain ... at least a sane, rational, functional one anyway. And there are times now when I wonder what's going on inside that brain of mine ... is it my brain that controls my heart? Or does my heart control my brain? Is there something in my brain that is askew ... something deep within my head that is causing the seemingly unshakable sense of sadness that pervades my every waking moment? Or is it my heart that is off kilter ... has a part of my heart simply disappeared forever and the way I feel now is the way I will always feel?

As I ponder such dilemmas, as I hum that ever-frightening tune from The Wizard of Oz, as I have so many more questions than answers, there is one constant in my brain, my heart, my soul. God knows the answers ... He holds my brain, my heart, my soul in the palm of His all-capable hand. He knows what lies behind me and what is for me today and what will be in my future.

Hmmmm ... maybe that song isn't so scary after all. Maybe.