Let Me Out

I'm back in Kansas City tonight ... well, my body is in KC, but my heart remains in Tennessee and Kentucky hanging on to all the love my family poured out on me over the last week. My friend drove me from the rolling hills of Kentucky back to the flat prairie land of Kansas today, 9 1/2 hours in the car that began early this morning when we left my brother's house. It was an emotional goodbye for all three of us ... my brother, my sister and I ... we were all crying as I climbed into the car to begin the first leg of my journey back to real life. I can count on one hand the times I've seen my brother cry ... it was hard to leave him and my sister this morning ... very, very hard.

My friend, my sister and I drove to Kentucky yesterday, arriving at my brother's house around noon. We visited for a while and let Ollie the wiener dog run around chasing his tennis ball before we climbed into my sister-in-law's van to go out for lunch. As we sat at the table in the restaurant and chatted, I couldn't help but take note of the fact that the three of us have aged a great deal since we last saw each other a year ago. My brother and sister are 18 and 15 years older than me ... my brother celebrated his 70th birthday just a few weeks ago. We did a lot of reminiscing during this visit, chatting a great deal about memories the three of us had about Mom and Dad, our grandparents, our brother Jerry and funny things that happened in our childhoods. I used to get jealous when I heard my siblings talk about their childhood adventures ... the difference in our ages meant that I sort of grew up as an only child. But this time ... this time, as I watched my brother and sister's eyes twinkle and smiles cross their faces as they told story after story after story (many of them stories I've heard a million times), my heart warmed and I blinked back tears as I listened to their tales of jelly jars, pitchforks, train rides, bonfires and cow milking.

After lunch, my brother gave us a tour of the historic buildings around their town and showed us the homes of my sister-in-law's relatives. It was a good afternoon ... a peaceful afternoon ... an afternoon of family and friends and, of course, food. My brother doesn't drive his wife's van often, and rarely does he drive it when there are enough passengers that someone needs to sit in the very back seat, which is where I was sitting. When we arrived back at their house, my sister-in-law quickly jumped out of the van and went inside to grab some things she needed to take to a friend's house. My brother, sister and my friend got out of the van, with my friend trying to release the seat to allow me to exit from the back seat. She couldn't get the seat to move, and my brother came around to flip the correct switch to slide the seat forward. The only problem was that he didn't know how to release the seat either, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get it into the right position to give me enough room to climb out.

It was hot and humid in Kentucky yesterday, and it didn't take long for me to start sweating as I waited for the seat to move. At first I thought perhaps my brother was kidding around since he's always been a joker. I said more than once, "Come on, brother ... let me out!" playfully kidding around with my eldest sibling. When I finally realized that he really was trying and couldn't get me out of the van, I began saying with true earnest in my voice, "No, really ... it's getting hot in here ... let me out!" Just about the time I was truly starting to enter my irrational zone and my heart began to pound as fear started sweeping through my mind, my sister-in-law walked up to the van, easily pushed the correct button and released me from my 4-wheeled prison. I practically flew from the back of the van, grateful to rejoin those on the outside.

I thought off and on all day as I rode in the car as my friend and I traveled about being stuck in the van yesterday. I couldn't help but acknowledge all the times over the last couple of years that I've felt trapped in the hot and stuffy van of my mind ... of all the times I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "Really ... it's getting so hot in here ... please, please, please let me out!" And the more that thought pounded in my mind, the more I recognized that it is only God who can push the correct button ... move the right lever ... He's the only One who knows the perfect way to release me, to free me, to let me out. Without Him, without His love, without His grace, I will forever be stuck in the van, and I will never get out.

Tonight ... tonight, the words of my nephew are coursing through my heart, sweeping through my soul and taking up residence in my mind. "God is good, Terrie ... God is so very good all the time."