For most of my children's growing-up years, we were, for all intents and purposes, a family of four. When we went to see a movie, I bought four tickets. When we ate dinner together, I set four places at the table. When we went swimming, I took four beach towels along. You get the picture ... everything was planned or bought or geared around us being a family of four. For several months after my oldest son Matt went to college, I had a difficult time adjusting to there only being three of us at home rather than four. And for as difficult as my four to three adjustment was, my three to two and two to one when Brad and Meghann left the nest was even more drastic. It took me a long while to learn how to cook less food, to realize that I could park wherever I wanted in the garage, to understand that my little house had become "my" home rather than "our" home. Lest you think I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself and crying into my sugar-free Jello, I'm not. Sure there are times when I miss the days when my house was filled with the laughter of my children, and there are times when being alone just plain old sucks. But those of us who are parents know that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is that of wings ... wings to carry them as they chart their own paths and build their own lives. I told a friend at work today that so much of life is about perspective ... my little family of four hasn't gone away ... not at all. My little family of four has grown ... our four is now eight.
When I walked through the doors after arriving at the airport in Edmonton a few days before Christmas, I was greeted by my daughter-in-law and granddaughter. I had only seen C.J. in person twice since Matt and Becca moved to Canada when she was five months old, and I was worried she might need some time to warm up to me. Boy, was I wrong ... the minute she saw me, she came running and I scooped her into my arms as she giggled and said, "Hi, Ghee, hi!" I sat next to her in the back seat of the car as Becca drove the half-hour to their house, amazed at how much more adorable she is in person than on my computer screen when we Skype. As we talked and laughed, I looked into her beautiful blue eyes and my mind flew back to the night when Matt and Becca asked me, Meghann and Barrett, and Brad and Shelby to meet them in Topeka for dinner ... the night they told us they were pregnant with the amazing little girl who is my granddaughter. I blinked back tears as I patted C.J.'s soft little hand and whispered in her ear ... "I am so glad I'm here, baby girl ... you have no idea how glad I am that I'm here with you."
As much as I remember how excited and happy Matt and Becca were that evening at dinner, I remember something else as well. I remember the darkness that engulfed me ... the depression that consumed me ... the hopelessness that filled my every waking hour. I remember how very, very, very dark my days were back then ... I remember how angry I was that my plan to take my life would have to be put on hold until after C.J. was born ... I remember how disengaged I was as I waited for her arrival. I remember those days, friends ... you bet I remember those days all too well. But ... but ... but ... just a couple of weeks ago, I looked into her eyes every day and whispered a prayer of gratitude ... every day, I told her how much I love her ... every day, I kissed her sweet face and wrestled with her and hunted make-believe bears and looked at stars on the ceiling and watched as she ate "Ghee's eggs" and played cars and trains and baby dolls. Every day ... every day, I am so very thankful that I am here ... that I am alive ... that I'm her Ghee and she's my Boo ... every single day, friends ... every single day, I am so very thankful.
When Matt, Becca, C.J. and I gathered around their table for dinner the evening I arrived, there was an envelope resting on my plate with the word "Ghee" written on it. I said, "A card for Ghee? Can I open it now?" Matt and Becca quickly said almost in unison, "Yes, open it!" Inside was a sweet message from Matt and Becca and an adorably scribbled "note" from C.J. While both the message and the note were wonderful, it was the way the card was signed that caused my mouth to fall open and me to leap from my chair to hug my son and daughter-in-law ... "Love, Matt, Becca, Coraline and Baby Johnson due July 2014." Yep ... I will soon be Ghee times two ... providing Matt and Becca can convince C.J. to share me with her new brother or sister (she's agreed to share her toys, but she's not so sure about the sharing Ghee part just yet). Soon, my little family of four will grow again ... soon, our four will be nine ... nine ... soon, our four will be nine.
Last night, I read the words I penned on July 18, 2011 in my post titled "And Then There Were Three" ... the post in which I shared the news that Matt and Becca were expecting their first child. Last night, I sat on my couch and wept as I read my words ... words that tried so desperately to hide the pain that pulsed beneath them ... words that ached to cover the despair that churned within them. But tonight ... tonight, there are no tears ... tonight, there is only thankfulness. Tonight, I'm so very thankful ... thankful for my children who love me as I am ... thankful for the friend who cared enough to be kind and to listen without judgment ... thankful for the ones who walked with me through the darkness ... thankful for people who love me still ... thankful ... so very, very, very thankful that I am still here ... that I am alive ... that I'm her Ghee and she's my Boo ... thankful for the new little one soon to come.
Tonight, there are no tears, friends ... tonight, there are no tears.
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