Before I left for Canada a couple of weeks ago, I commented to my children that I was extra nervous about my flights this time around ... and before you go there, my added anxiety had nothing at all to do with my general all-around fear of flying. I will, however, remind you of my sincere and unshakable belief that if God had intended for me to fly way high up in the sky, He would have given me wings. Were it not for the fact that Matt, Becca, Coraline and Amelie live in Canada, I would keep my feet planted firmly on the ground. Having gotten that off my chest, now back to my increased apprehension regarding my most recent air travel adventure. This was my fourth trip to Canada since Matt and Becca moved 2 1/2 years ago, and other than my sheer terror of flying, all of my flights had gone smoothly ... little to no turbulence, no delays, no cancelled flights. I knew I was overdue to experience at least one, if not all, of those air travel woes and that the odds were against me having another round of trouble-free flights. So when my flight from Minneapolis to Alberta was delayed for more than an hour, I was certain that was the reason for my heightened sense of concern regarding my trip ... I was wrong.
I suppose it should have been a sign to me when Matt and I witnessed a car accident right in front of us on our way to the airport at 5:30 a.m. yesterday morning ... so bad in fact that Matt pulled over and got out to see if the people needed help. Now that I think about it, had the people been seriously injured, Matt would have probably passed out cold when he saw them. Thankfully, even though one of the cars crashed into a utility pole after being hit, the drivers seemed to be okay and we were able to go on to the airport. Everything seemed to be going smoothly ... I sailed through customs because I was bawling after saying goodbye to Matt, and I even had time to grab some breakfast and a Starbucks and hop on Facebook to update my status. The plane boarded a little earlier than the scheduled time, and I was settling into my seat when the flight attendant announced that everyone needed to exit the plane immediately due to a security issue ... and yes, you can bet my flying anxiety shifted into high gear as I lined up with the other passengers along the hallway thingy just outside of the plane and waited ... and waited ... and waited while the security guards searched the plane. As if standing there wondering if there was a bomb on the plane or a vial of anthrax or a horde of renegade zombies wasn't enough to upset me, something else happened as I waited ... something that has troubled me far more than any possible threat to the aircraft.
While I was sitting in the waiting area before we first boarded the plane, I noticed one of the pilots walking toward the gate that led to the plane. I think even if pilots didn't wear uniforms I would know they were pilots ... there's a sort of underlying confidence and designated dignity about them that somehow makes me know they are the ones in charge of the plane. The pilot's back was to me as she approached the gate ... she was very tall and slender with long flowing blonde hair, and I remember thinking she walked like a man. It was when she turned to swipe her badge that I saw her face ... it was when she turned that I knew she was transgender. I know what you're thinking ... I of all people shouldn't jump to conclusions about anyone based solely on their appearance, and I can honestly say with all my heart that there was no judgment present within me when I came to that conclusion. Some of you will understand and others of you will not ... when she turned and I saw her face, I knew she was transgender and that she was either in the process of transitioning from male to female or already had. I can't explain it, but I just knew.
After a half-hour or so of waiting for the search of the plane to be completed, the pilot exited the plane and walked toward the middle of the line of restless, waiting passengers. She stopped directly across from me and began to tell us what the problem was and how much longer it would be until we were allowed to board the plane. Her voice was deep and masculine, but her nails were perfectly manicured with bright red polish. She looked straight into my eyes as she spoke, almost as if she felt safe in doing so ... as if she felt protected somehow from the stares of the other passengers by looking at me. I saw hurt in her eyes ... I saw someone who was trying desperately to be true to herself while at the same time fearing the reactions of the crowd of strangers who stood before her. I think she chose to stop in front of me and look at me as she spoke because she knew I knew ... perhaps she recognized a similar hurt in my own eyes or perhaps she sensed the same fear of judgment deep within my heart. She smiled when she finished talking, walked back down the ramp and disappeared into the cockpit of the plane.
As soon as she was out of sight, the man standing across from me glanced over at some men in line in front of me and rolled his eyes ... that was all it took ... a man rolling his eyes was all it took to unleash a stream of commentary from several of the men in line that made me physically ill as I listened. And yes, I am quoting some of them ... be sure you read that again ... I am quoting some of them, not all of them, but some of them. I usually apologize if what I write offends any of you, but this is one time when I hope you are offended ... I hope you are really, really, really offended by the words of those men. I don't care where you are spiritually ... their words should offend Christians and non-Christians alike. I don't care what your sexuality is ... their words should offend gay and straight alike. I don't care where you work or what you eat for dinner or whether or not you go to church on Sunday or how much money you make or which side of the bed you sleep on ... their words should offend every single one of you. The words of those men should offend me and they should offend you.
"We're all thinking the same thing ... keep your butts against the wall. For the love of God, don't bend over."
"F------g faggot."
"Was that a queer or a steer?"
"It takes all kinds, but that kind gives me the creeps."
"Those freaks should all be gathered up and locked in a cage and let them starve to death."
"Hey sweetheart, run on up there and pop out your jugs and see if that will change his mind, eh?"
"So was that a he and a she or just a butch lesbo that can't make up its mind?"
"I hate those freaks ... those damn gays ... I hate 'em."
The remarks went on for a full seven minutes ... I know it was seven minutes because I stared at my watch when the horrible discourse began. ... seven minutes of terrible, awful, hate-filled remarks about a person they didn't even know. And perhaps even worse than the disgusting things the men were saying about the person who would soon be responsible for all of our lives as she flew the plane was the fact that no one stopped them ... not one person stepped out and told them to stop ... including me. I just stood there staring at my watch trying desperately to fight back the tears, hoping the men's tirade would end quickly. I just stood there ... I just stood there and did nothing. In a country that has longed proclaimed its openness and acceptance of the LGBT community ... I stood there and listened to some of the most vitriolic hate speech I've ever heard. I just stood there ... I just stood there and did nothing while I prayed the men wouldn't notice me in my flannel shirt, jeans and hiking boots ... while I prayed they wouldn't notice my spiked hair ... while I prayed they wouldn't notice me at all. I just stood there hoping with everything in me the hate wouldn't shift toward me ... I just stood there and did nothing. I didn't ask them to consider how their words were hurting others around them ... I didn't tell them how their hate was hurting me ... I just stood there, head down, eyes glued to my watch and did nothing.
I've lived most of my life filled with shame and guilt ... but tonight ... tonight I'm ashamed of myself not because of who I am but because of who I'm not. I just stood there, friends ... I just stood there and did nothing.
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." --- Edmund Burke
3 comments:
The thing I love most about your writing is that you say what so many of us feel and you aren't afraid to do it. Or maybe you are afraid but you find a way to overcome your fear so you can help the rest of us.
I am sorry to say I would have stood there too and not confronted the despicable men at the airport because I would have been afraid of what they would say or do to me. I'm not GLBT but I am obese due to a genetic disorder and have had much hate directed to me too.
You may not have said anything at the airport to those men but you said it to millions in your blog. You have nothing to be ashamed of and thank you.
Terrie, thank you for sharing from your heart. SO many of us have been there and not been able to say a peep. But do you know what I think you did for me today? Your honesty is helping me to want to be just a little more prepared for the next time something that wretched happens in front of me. And to think really hard about something I could say that help move someone an inch closer to compassion. Thank you so much for sharing this...
Your lucky they didn't see you or you would have had to hear it to your face instead of the pilot being gone when they said it.
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