A Different Kind of Closet

So you know how I usually begin my posts with a story that relates to my topic for the evening? Not tonight. In all my tossing and turning last night, I finally got out of bed and started reading emails ... emails from so many of you who read my post Looking for Me? a couple of nights ago. I read until I could read no more, tears pouring down my cheeks, truly humbled that you chose to share your own personal stories with me. As I read, I was struck by a recurring message that permeated so many of the notes ... a message that hits just a bit too close to home for me.

Sometimes it feels like a lifetime since I came crashing out of the closet a little more than three years ago, but then there are other times when it feels as though it was only yesterday that I made my sobbing, distraught, reluctant confession. That disparity of time bothers me a lot, you know ... that disparity of time that causes me to one moment feel as though the closet that once held me captive is nailed shut forever, but in the next moment causes me to feel as though I am forever destined to hide away inside a tiny room of shame and fear. But as is true of all the great journeys in life, each step I take serves to bring me ever closer to the goal of understanding and self-acceptance.

I was surprised by how many people used the word closet in their notes to me about my previous post ... but they weren't talking about the closet of sexuality. People wrote about how they hide inside the closet because they suffer from depression, pretending to be happy while they hope and pray that no one discovers their secret. Though much progress has been made in recent years in the distribution of information to aid in gaining greater understanding about depression and other mental health issues, there remains a huge stigma surrounding any type of malfunction or chemical imbalance within the brain. The truth is that people want the people they interact with to be happy, or at least they want them to pretend to be happy. See, here's the thing ... that's really not all that different from a straight person asking a gay person to pretend be straight. I know, I know ... that's pretty doggone deep, so feel free to stew on it for a bit.

There are a lot of people living in the closet, a lot of people trying to hide something about themselves that they believe will cause them to be rejected or unloved or judged by others. Maybe it's an illness that keeps someone locked away in a closet, or maybe it's their sexuality or a bad marriage or substance abuse or jealousy or the fear of failure. We lock ourselves away because there is something about us that we think is unacceptable, unworthy, unwanted. We lock ourselves in a closet because we believe we don't deserve to be out in the light of day.

Closets aren't made to hold people, they're made to hold clothes. Closets aren't meant to be a place where people live in fear, afraid to show others their true and honest selves. Closets are not at all made to hold people, friends ... closets are made to hold clothes.