A Broken Hallelujah

For as far back as I can remember, I've always loved music. Sometimes I wonder just how many hours I spent in my mustard-colored bedroom listening to records on my old RCA record player. I kid you not ... my room was painted with what I now know was a most hideous mustard gold paint that very much resembled the color of baby diarrhea. Seriously, what the heck was my mom thinking when she chose that color for the walls of my room? It's no wonder my brain is so messed up ... spending years of your life staring at four walls of baby poop will do that to a gal. But there I go digressing again ... let's get back to my love of music. From the Partridge Family to Helen Reddy to Barbra Streisand to Bobby Sherman to Donny Osmond to John Denver to Elton John to Sonny and Cher to the Jackson Five to the Eagles to Simon and Garfunkel ... I spent a whole lot of time in my old ugly room listening to music and dreaming of being a rock star one day. And yes, Shirley Partridge was most definitely a rock star, and I may or may not have had a gigantic crush on her.

It wasn't really the music that kept me locked away in my room all those years ago, but rather the words that accompanied the music. As much as I've always longed to be a good singer, I'm just not. Rest assured that I'm a much better writer than I am a singer, and since I'm far removed from being a great writer, that should give you a slight indication as to how really bad of a singer I am. Though my vocal prowess is pretty darn close to that of a moose in heat, I do seem to have a knack for remembering the words of certain songs, even songs from all those years ago when I was but a girl. And not only do I remember the words to the songs, I remember how so many of those words helped me through some dark times in life ... how they brought me comfort when I was lonely ... how they made me smile when I was sad ... how they healed my heart when it was broken. There's a significant amount of irony in that, you know ... that it was the words that carried the true meaning for me, especially in light of the fact that the reading of words keeps food in my wiener dog's tummy and a roof over our heads, and the writing of words keeps me from going completely off the deep end.

One of my favorite songs of all time is "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen ... I could seriously listen to that song over and over for hours on end. A gazillion or so singers have sung the song down through the years, but without question one of the best renditions I've ever heard is the one delivered recently by Jordan Smith on the television show The Voice. I didn't actually see his performance on the show when it aired because ... well ... because I don't watch the show. I did, however, somehow stumble upon it during one of my "middle of the night and I can't sleep so I'll browse YouTube" moments a few nights ago. When this sort of nerdy-looking, slightly overweight, preppy young man began to sing, I couldn't believe my ears ... he has an amazing voice and he totally owned that song. I sat on my couch with tears rolling down my face as I watched the video over and over again ... a young man with dreams of becoming a professional singer ... a young man who felt as though he never really fit in ... a young man who'd been bullied and teased and made fun of his whole life was standing on a stage performing for millions of viewers, and he was absolutely killing it.

As I was out walking with Ollie this afternoon, I thought about Jordan Smith and I wondered why he chose that particular song ... I wondered if he chose it simply because he knew he could sing it well, or if perhaps it carried some sort of deeper meaning for him. I thought about some of the words in the song ... "Your faith was strong but you needed proof ... There's a blaze of light in every word, it doesn't matter which you heard, the holy or the broken Hallelujah." I thought about those words and their meaning, and I thought about the story from the Bible of King David. I thought about how powerful words are ... of how words can do so much good and of how they can cause so very much pain. I thought about brokenness ... about falling from grace ... about words and actions that can never be recalled or undone. I thought about how we so often cast stones and assign blame to others when we should be hurling those stones and assigning that blame to ourselves instead. I thought about forgiveness ... I thought about grace ... I thought about mercy.

It seems fitting to close this post with the final words of the song ... it seems fitting to remind myself that even when I'm broken, even when I'm hurting, even when I'm afraid I'll never find my way again ... even then ... even then ... even then, friends ... even then ... Hallelujah.

"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong 
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah ... Hallelujah ... Hallelujah."