Spilling My Guts

Birthdays have never been a big deal to me, perhaps because of when mine is ... December 26 ... yep, the day after Christmas. When I was a kid, I only had one party on my actual birthday where my friends were invited. Out of 25 kids who were invited, two actually showed up. As much as I would like to say the feeling of most of my friends not coming to the party didn't bother me, even though I am almost 51 years old, I still remember how I felt that day. It was my 12th birthday, and I still remember thinking I was a dork, a nerd, an outcast, a reject. I'm fairly certain the day after that attempted party was the day that I decided that I would bury my feelings and emotions far within myself ... that no one would ever know how deeply I was hurt.

Down through the years, I've honed my level of skill when it comes to keeping my emotions in check, to hiding my pain, to painting a smile on my face and not letting people get too close in fear that they might see behind the mask I've worn for so long. The last year of my life, however, has shown me that I've been wrong in my quest to keep the vault of my heart so tightly sealed, to always be strong and never weak or vulnerable. It's been an arduous year, one that has brought with it some difficult and trying situations ... physically, emotionally and spiritually.

One of the many doctors I have had reason to see over the last year ... I'll call him Dr. John ... has a mantra, an insight, a truth that he graciously imparted to me, a new way of thinking that has changed me forever. Open. Honest. Real. Transparent. Each time I would visit him, he would speak those words to me ... pray those words over me ... sear those words into me. I can count on one hand the people I've let inside, the ones I've allowed to get past my ironclad pride and my stubborn will. And I can count on a couple of fingers the people I've let dig around in the depths of my soul, the ones who have shoveled the dirt of my life and yet love me still.

I've spent more time in the desert over the last year than I ever have before. I've wandered away from my Lord, and I've found my way back to Him. I've suffered the pain of loss, and I've experienced the joy of love. I've walked knowingly into sin, and I've known the redemptive power of forgiveness. I've fought to stand alone, and I've learned to let others hold me up. I've tried desperately to hold on, and I've learned to let go.

For as much as I've come to understand that I need to be more open with others, to be honest in every single word and deed, to be real and vulnerable in every emotion, to be a transparent vessel for whatever work my Lord desires to do in me and through me, I've come to understand even more that each of those traits should rule supreme in my relationship with Jesus Christ. Open. Honest. Real. Transparent.

Help me, Lord, to share this life You've given me ... the good, the bad, and all things in between. Help me to spill my guts, Lord ... to trust, to love, to honor, to risk, to feel.