Face Down

September 27, 1999 was a cold and rainy Monday in Kansas City, and it was a day I will never forget. To say that I was in a miserable place in life back then would be an understatement in the truest sense. I was struggling financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually ... just pick an area of my life, and you can bet I was struggling in it. People would often tell me what an incredible job I was doing as a single mom and how they admired my strong faith, and I would slap my "pretend that I'm doing just fine" smile on my face and say thanks. Then I would retreat into my room and sob my heart out because I knew the truth ... I knew that I wasn't the woman people thought I was ... I certainly wasn't Super Mom, and I wasn't at all the strong, confident woman of faith that others believed me to be. Not at all. Oh, I was involved in church and put on a good act alright, much like the act I put on about having it all together as a single mom, but the truth was that I had gone through the motions of wearing the name "Christian" for many years. I had a ton of head knowledge about God and the Bible; heck, I even led Bible studies and taught Sunday School ... I knew all about Him, but I didn't know Him. Until that cold and rainy Monday in September of 1999 ... the reason I will never forget that day is because that's the day I met God, that's the day I found out what knowing Him really means, that's the day I fully understood the words I had mouthed so many, many times ... Jesus died for me. And the deep and undeniable truth I finally grasped that day still holds true today, and will for all eternity ... He died for me even though I was a despicable, pretending, lying, horrible, miserable sinner ... Jesus died for me.

I met God on that Monday at ... of all places ... the church I had attended for many years. My intention when I left work at lunch that day all those years ago certainly didn't involve having a life-changing encounter with the Creator of the universe. In fact, my intention when I pulled into the parking lot at the church was far less spiritual in nature. I went there to tell the pastor and his secretary (both close friends of mine whom I had told about my double life and who had been talking with me about my need to give my heart to Christ) that they needed to get off my back about how I was living and that I was done listening to anyone talk to me about God or church. That was my intention, but God ... well, God had a different plan altogether for that particular afternoon, and a hugely different plan for my eternal soul. When I walked into the church office, my two friends took one look at me and knew that I was in bad, bad shape. They took me into the small prayer room next to the office and began to talk to me once again about surrender, about God's love for me, about my need for a Savior. I don't remember many of the details of our conversation that afternoon, but I do remember that the presence of God filled that little room in an incredible way as they spoke and prayed for me. As sure as I am typing these words, God stepped into that room that day and won the battle for my soul ... He stepped in while I was face down on the floor sobbing and begging for His forgiveness ... He stepped in and saved me for one reason alone ... He saved me because His Son, His only Son, Jesus, died for me.

I've been thinking a great deal recently about being face down, due in part to my weekly visits with my newest doctor and her request that I have some face-to-face conversations with various people in my life. For months, I've avoided eye contact with people as much as possible, which, according to the doctor, is a common behavior that accompanies depression. In fact, for all the weeks I've been meeting with the doctor, I've yet to look her in the eye ... and many weeks have been like this past Wednesday was ... sitting in a chair with my head down, crying until my shirt is drenched from my tears, wishing I could flip a switch and make it all disappear. Guilt, shame, humiliation, fear, loathing ... all of those feelings contribute to my face down posture, my unworthy, apologetic, broken, humbled, face down posture. I believe one of the most awesome attributes of God is His ability to take the difficult times of my life and teach me lessons that I could never learn when my life is filled with sunshine and roses. It's not when the vase of beautiful, blooming petals is sitting on the table of my heart that God's grace becomes real to me ... it's when I am wounded and bleeding from the thorns that have pierced my soul during the cutting and pruning required to create the final masterpiece ... that's when God's grace and mercy and unconditional love become so very alive and real to me.

God often speaks to me through the words of songs, and recently I've been listening to the Casting Crowns CD "Come to the Well." During the last week, the lyrics to one particular song have permeated my heart and reached deep into my soul. Perhaps because it's Easter tomorrow and I've been thinking a lot about that cold and rainy Monday when I met Jesus ... about His sacrifice for me ... about being face down then and face down now ... perhaps. Or perhaps God is continuing His work in me, continuing to teach me, continuing to humble me, continuing to love me, continuing to demonstrate His unending grace to me ... perhaps indeed. 

"I try to find a new way to tell You
Some way to show You what You mean to me
There’s nothing new
I exhaust myself searching
The world just keeps turning
What else can I do
‘Cause I find myself empty and

Face down
Having nothing else to cling to
But need of love that only You can give
Face down
Where I know that I belong
And I pray with grace that this world sees in me
Someone humbled and broken at Your feet

I stand amazed, see the work of Your hands
Still I don’t understand why You would rescue me
An empty cross
Where You suffered and bled
Overcoming my death
Recreating me
With this freedom I will be

Face down
Having nothing else to cling to
But need of love that only You can give
Face down
Where I know that I belong
And I pray with grace that this world sees in me
Someone humbled and broken at Your feet

So I’m asking for Your help
Just can’t do this by myself
After all, this life’s for You and not for me
Through Your mercy now I see
Brokenness is what I need
So I’ll stay right here at Your feet
Right here at Your feet and

Face down
Having nothing else to cling to
But need of love that only You can give
Face down
Where I know that I belong
And I pray with grace that this world sees in me
Someone humbled and broken at Your feet
Oh, humbled and broken at Your feet
At Your feet."