Way Bigger Than Me

My son Matt is three years older than my son Brad, and they are good friends. Though they've lived in different towns for the last several years (and now in different countries), anytime the two of them are together, it's like they've never been apart. They crack jokes and tease one another; they discuss how to solve the world's problems; they drink beer ... yeah, yeah, I know ... they reminisce and tell stories and play games and laugh a lot; and sometimes they even have quite serious conversations. And many, many, many times, they compare heights ... yep, even as grown men, my boys are still competitive as to which one of them is the taller between the two of them. That was always a big deal when they were both teenagers, and they were forever and always standing back-to-back and asking me who was taller. And each time, there was invariably the following statement from one of my boys ... "I am way bigger than you!" I wouldn't be at all surprised if I hear those words again from my sons when we are all together again ... I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Those of you who've been reading my blog for the last several months probably recall that I wrote about some tough conversations I had with my children and some of the folks in my office. And both yesterday and today, I had that same conversation again with other friends ... and I can assure you that it's still tough, and I think it quite possibly will never get easier. Yesterday, however, something happened that hasn't occurred with any of the other people I've spoken with ... the person shared her own family's struggles; she trusted me enough to open up and tell me that her family had walked the same path I'm walking, felt the same pain I'm feeling, learned the same lessons I'm learning. To say that I was touched to the core of my soul as I listened is a huge understatement, and the person's words have moved me time and time again as I've thought about what she said. And as I walked back to my desk after we talked, one thought pounded in my brain and beat within my heart. "This is way bigger than you, Terrie, way bigger than you." I've heard that phrase a lot over the last weeks from a lot of different people, and something tells me I may well hear it again. 

Tonight as I drove home from work, the thought returned to me and lodged in my mind. I couldn't help but recognize how often my problems have seemed so huge and how many times I haven't been able to see or meet the needs of others because I was so focused on my own "stuff." I thought about how many times recently the words have been spoken to me ... "This is way bigger than you," and how it's only now that I think I'm slowly beginning to understand at least bits and pieces of the lesson God wants to teach me. I thought about how much it terrifies me to think that the words may be true and how afraid I am of just what God's plan and purpose in all of this may truly involve. "This is way bigger than you ... this is way bigger than you ... this is way bigger than you." I'm ashamed to tell you my reply to the words each time they creep into my mind and heart ... "I'm not ready ... I'm not ready ... I'm not ready." 

Here's the thing, though ... the more I say I'm not ready and the more others tell me this is way bigger than me ... the louder I hear God's voice saying, "But I am, Terrie ... I am ready. It's always been way bigger than you, child, because it's always been about Me. From the day I formed you in your mother's womb, your journey has been way bigger than you. It's way bigger than you, because I am way bigger than you ... and I've been ready for as long as you have lived ... I've been ready to love you, to teach you, to use you, to humble you ... I am ready, dear one ... I am ready, and this is indeed way bigger than you."