As Long As You Don't Tell

I've been wanting to write tonight's post for a long time ... almost two years, in fact. The truth is I've started and stopped writing this post again and again over the last couple of years, and I've completely deleted this post far more times than I can count. I wish I could in good conscience come up with something way more profound as to why, but there's really only one reason ... I was afraid. I was afraid ... I was afraid of what some of you may think of me, sure, but even more, I was afraid of what I may think of myself. But ... I'm tired of being afraid ... really, really, really tired of being afraid. I'm tired of being short ... and I think maybe, just maybe, writing this post may be a step toward becoming tall. So hate me if you must, judge me if you so desire, stop reading if you feel the need to do so ... but I have some things to say tonight.

One of the most difficult things for me to come to terms with after I told the truth about my sexuality a year and a half ago was how many people in my life said, "Gosh, Terrie, I thought you were gay from the minute I met you." People who had known me for only a short time said it ... people who had known me for several years said it ... people who had known me since I was young said it. I'm not sure why that was so tough for me to handle, but it was ... maybe because I thought I had done such an excellent job of hiding, of pretending, of trying with all my might not to be gay. But what was so very much more difficult for me to comprehend ... what I still struggle to understand even today ... what was so devastatingly painful and gut-wrenching was how many of those same people followed up their "Oh, I knew you were gay," comments with various iterations of the following statement: "I was okay with you until you admitted it publicly ... as long as you didn't tell, in my mind you were still a good Christian woman and someone I could look up to and respect." 

I couldn't even begin to scratch the surface if I tried to tell you how deeply those words wounded me ... especially because more often than not, they were spoken or written to me by people who claimed to be Christ followers. Even though a ton of them already thought or believed me to be gay, it was totally acceptable for me to speak to their women's groups as long as I didn't tell ... it was completely okay for me to teach their kids at Awana or VBS as long as I didn't tell ... it was perfectly allowable for me to deserve their respect as a fellow human being as long as I didn't tell. I could list verse after verse after verse from the Bible about telling the truth ... I simply cannot wrap my mind around people who say they love God and live according to His commands telling me I should have kept on hiding the truth. By the way, one of those verses about truth from the Bible? "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32.

Like I mentioned, I've been pondering this post for a very long time ... a very, very long time. But some events and some recent conversations have caused me to really consider the deep impact and far-reaching consequences of living by the "as long as you don't tell" standard. Not telling other people who I am almost cost me my life and had I not told, I would surely have died. Think about it ... not telling the truth about my sexuality didn't make me heterosexual ... not telling my family and friends I had diabetes didn't make me have normal blood sugar levels ... not telling my head doctor I wanted to die didn't make me want to live.

I've been sitting here for an hour writing and rewriting my closing tonight, and the truth is I don't really know what to say. Maybe I'll just say this ... closets are for clothes, not people. Put a person in a closet with a bunch of clothes for a while ... maybe even for lots and lots of years ... and he or she will still be a person. And when the person finally gets the courage to walk out of that closet ... let them be. That's all ... just let them be ... let them tell ... let them love ... let them grow ... let them learn ... just let them be.

"As long as you don't tell" ... oh, wait ... I already did ... and I'm glad.