In Spite of Me

It was a little over 10 years ago that I came to know the Lord. I grew up in the church and attended for most of my 40 years of life, but I didn't know Christ. I knew a lot about Him, but I didn't know Him. It was a cold and rainy September Monday when I fell on my face in a small prayer room with two friends by my side, and finally said yes to a relationship with Jesus.

Not too long after my conversion, God began to open doors and call me into a speaking ministry. I've since traveled a great deal speaking to various groups, and I truly cherish the opportunities God has given me to minister to other women. I often come away from an event feeling as though I am the one who is most richly blessed by the fellowship, worship and study that takes place.

As the years progressed and more and more engagements began to come my way, something not very positive or pretty took root and grew in my heart and mind. Quite simply put ... I turned into an arrogant, prideful person. The more accolades I received for my speaking abilities, the more puffed up I became. I had visions of being a world-famous speaker, telling myself that I was better than so many of the speakers on the circuit, convincing myself that I deserved to move into a bigger arena so that I could "bless" countless women with my gift.

I've often wondered why God put up with my arrogant attitude for as long as He did before He humbled me in a big and painful way almost three years ago. Through a series of events, my heart was wounded, my spirit was crushed, my hope was battered. I was angry with myself, angry with other people, angry with God. I quickly went from thinking I was the greatest speaker on earth to feeling completely unworthy to ever stand before a group again. I was convinced that my speaking days were over.

Those of you who know me know that isn't the end of the story. Because my God overflows with grace and mercy and forgiveness, He not only chose to keep me serving as a speaker, He has grown the ministry with every passing year. But so much more important ... so very much more important than the growth of the ministry ... is that He continues to humble my heart, to bring me to my knees, to break my willful pride, to make me constantly aware that it is all about Him and nothing about me.

Last Saturday, I stood before a group to speak, and I stood there with a troubled spirit, feeling very unworthy. And then He spoke ... and I knew again ... it's not because of me that He speaks ... it's in spite of me.