Uphill Climb

With each passing day, I'm more and more aware that it won't be long until my oldest son, daughter-in-law and precious granddaughter will move to Canada. I'm certain that's why I've had a ton of Matt memories coursing through my mind and lingering in my heart for the last couple of weeks. This morning on my bike ride, I remembered a conversation I had with Matt recently about something that happened on one of our summer vacations to Colorado. Our friend Sherri went with us on that particular trip, and one morning we decided to pack lunches and hike to a large waterfall. It was a long hike, taking us around an hour or so to reach the falls. We enjoyed our lunches, took lots of pictures and played in the water at the base of the cascading waterfall for a while. It was mid-afternoon by the time we decided to head to the car, and we were about halfway back when it began to rain. The gentle rain quickly turned into a full-blown thunderstorm complete with lots of thunder and lightning. Now before some of you go there on your own ... I wasn't always terrified of storms like I am now (I have a theory as to why I'm so consumed with fear about them now, but it only reinforces my descent into totally irrational thinking so I'm not going to tell you). The five of us were huddled near an indentation in a large wall of rock when it started hailing ... I know ... if that happened to me now, I'd kick the bucket right there on the spot from shear fear. At any rate, we were getting pelted by hail large enough that it hurt, so we decided that we should just try to get back to the car.

Before our trip, Matt had purchased a large hiking backpack, the kind with a metal frame, and he was excited to use it on our hike that day. In fact, we had packed everything that we needed for our outing into his backpack, and he carried it all the way on our journey to the waterfall. We had left our perch in the rocks and walked for a short distance when we came to an open field. Matt was in the lead, and just about the time he stepped out into the open from the trees, a large bolt of lightning struck the ground a few feet in front of him. I'm not sure I've ever seen Matt move as fast as he did that day in Colorado ... he peeled that metal-framed backpack off and hightailed it back to the cover of the trees. For a long time after that experience, he talked about how stupid he was to walk into the open field with a lightning rod strapped on his back in the midst of a thunderstorm. We have since laughed about that adventure many times ... none of us will ever forget Matt and his metal-framed backpack ... which I might add, he refused to touch for the rest of the hike back to the car.

I didn't sleep well at all last night ... seems like that is always the case after I go to my Wednesday evening doctor's appointment; I have a hard time getting my brain to stop processing all she has said and I have a super hard time getting my heart to stop churning with the emotion that accompanies her digging around inside of my soul. I finally decided to get up at 5 a.m. and go for a bike ride ... if you can't sleep, ride ... right? I wasn't long into my ride this morning when I noticed that something felt different to me, but it wasn't until I was on my way home 45 minutes later that I realized it was easier to climb the hills this morning. I realized that my rear wasn't sore from the bike seat anymore. I realized that I wasn't out of breath and my legs weren't hurting. I realized something huge this morning, friends ... I didn't have to work as hard to go the exact same distance as I went yesterday ... my ride was easier because I didn't stop riding. As quickly as that realization pummeled its way into my brain, an even bigger thought pushed its way in right behind it. That's why I had the desire to ride again ... God wants to teach me something big on these bike rides ... that's why, isn't it God? That's why.

As I pedaled toward home, my heart was suddenly acutely aware of lesson after lesson after lesson. Coasting down the hills on my bike is easy, simple and fun ... I don't even have to pedal if I don't want to; I can just fly down the hills and not have to work at all. But climbing the hills is a different matter ... I have to pedal and pedal and pedal or I lose my momentum and either slow down to a crawl or stop altogether. Some hills are easier to climb than others ... some are steeper than others ... some require more strength than others ... some require several shifts of the gears to make it to the top. And another thing I realized about hills this morning? If I look at how big the hill is, it's harder to climb ... if I keep my eyes on the trail in front of me and just pedal, I'm often surprised at how quickly it seems I reach the crest.

My doctor told me last night that recovering from the kind of deep depression that has wrapped its tentacles around my entire being for the last year and a half is often one step forward and five steps back. She said the key is to keep on stepping ... or pedaling, as the case may be. She even talked about some of the major uphill climbs that I'm facing ... climbs that will, in all likelihood, cause me to want to stop pedaling and perhaps even give up bike riding completely. I've thought all day about her words and about the deep truths that God put before me this morning, and tonight after Bingo, I chatted for a while with my friend who works there. You may not realize what a big deal that is, but I don't do much chatting anymore. Conversation is a huge, steep hill for me ... a hill that has become almost insurmountable ... a hill that is laden with guilt and fear and shame. But tonight ... tonight, I could feel the pedals under my feet as we talked ... tonight, I pedaled with every ounce of strength I had in me. 

All my hills are yours, Lord, and I know You are by my side as I climb them. They are steep, God, and sometimes it seems as if I'll never reach the top. Help me to keep pedaling, Father God ... please help me to keep pedaling.

"Therefore, you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills." Deuteronomy 8:6-7