Over the weekend, I tackled the daunting task of reading emails and I must say I'm pretty proud of myself ... I read a TON of emails ... a TON. I learned a while back to always bring along some tissues when I plan to spend a significant amount of time attempting to make a dent in reading the multitude of messages I receive, because I know that tears are inevitable. Every now and again, after obtaining permission from the writers, I share some of the notes I receive in my posts. I knew as soon as I read Sarah's message that I wanted to share her words with all of you with the hope that you will in turn share them with others. When I replied to Sarah with my request to share her message as a guest blog, she asked, "Do you think it will help someone?" I believe with all my heart that your words will help many, many someones, Sarah ... far more someones than you or I will ever know. Grab some tissues, friends ... you'll need them.
"Dear Terrie,
My name is Sarah ---------. I'm not one to comment on blogs or write to people like you but ever since I saw your video for the suicide hotline I keep thinking I need to tell you my story so you will keep telling yours. I stumbled on your video by accident late one night last week and I haven't been able to stop thinking I need to write you.
Ellie and I were friends for over twenty years, we both worked as nurses at the same hospital and we went to the same church. My husband Jim and I kind of adopted Ellie since she didn't have any family nearby. She was twelve years older than me but nobody ever knew because she had such a youthful heart and spirit about her. Sometimes Jim would tease her about being Mother Hubbard because she had such a way with young people, all the children and even the teenagers loved Ellie. I rarely got to sit with Ellie in church because the high school youth group always begged her to sit with them on Sunday morning. Ellie had an easy laugh, a quick wit, and a big heart. I used to call her duck tape because of the way people would get stuck on her.
I guess I always knew Ellie was gay even though she didn't tell me until five years ago. There was nothing feminine about her, short hair and I don't ever remember seeing her wear a dress not even to her mother's funeral. Even though we talked about everything and were best friends I never talked to her about her sexuality because it didn't matter to me one way or the other and I figured if she wanted me to know she would tell me. I remember getting so mad when the women at church would speculate if she was gay. I would get mad but I didn't say anything because I didn't want them to talk bad about me for being Ellie's friend. I was happy when Ellie did come out of the closet because I thought it would solve the problem with the church women but it didn't.
After Ellie said she was gay a lot of her friends disowned her even though her family loved her like always. I worried alot about her that first couple of years because she got depressed and had to put up with a lot of hate and unkind things being said to her and leaving the church. She got through all that bad time though because she was a fighter and was the strongest person I knew. She had some rough times after that of course but I thought she was finally coming into her own self and she seemed happy enough. She always talked about wanting to go on a gay cruise but that she wasn't brave enough to go alone. Like I said Ellie was part of our family and so Jim and I decided to give her a cruise for Christmas last year and that I would go with her. We went in May and I had lots of fun getting her dates with women on the cruise and seeing her get to have the freedom of being herself without anyone judgeing her.
On August 14th Ellie went home after eating dinner at our house for her 59th birthday and killed herself with an overdose of sleeping pills. Everyone keeps telling me its only been two months but I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for not seeing that she wasn't ok. I ask myself everyday why I didn't pay more attention to the little things she said and why I didn't ask more questions about how she was doing. I'll never know why she killed herself that night and I replay our last goodbye over and over. We always hugged and said I love you when we said goodbye just like I do with my husband, parents, sons, and sisters. Ellie hugged me longer than usual that night when I said I love you.
After I found your video I found your blog and have been reading it everyday. You have a special gift in your writing Terrie and I hope you keep doing what you're doing because I know you're helping people. I wish Ellie could have read your blog and seen your video. I know you get lots of messages so you may never read this but if you do I want to say thank you. I'm trying to make sense of Ellie's death and know what to do and I know it may sound strange but I think finding your video and blog are connected somehow to my healing process and helping others who are left behind after suicide.
God bless you Terrie and thank you.
Sarah"
May God bless you, dear Sarah ... may He bless you and comfort you and keep you safe. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story ... you've helped many, many people tonight ... many, many, many people, my sweet friend.
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