Ever have one of those days when the minute you wake up your first thought is, "I just can't do it today"? The "it" in that thought isn't one particular "it," by the way ... it's all the "its" that make life ... well ... life. I'm abundantly thankful that I don't have nearly as many of those days as I used to ... those "I just can't do it today," days ... days when it takes every ounce of strength I can muster to find the want and the will to make it through the day ... days when it would be so much easier to let the beast win ... days when I feel completely invisible and insignificant ... days when that invisibility and insignificance, whether real or imagined, threatens to consume me. While it's frustrating beyond belief that I still have those days from time to time, I'm so very, very, very grateful they aren't every day anymore ... seriously, abundantly, overwhelmingly grateful.
As much as I hate to admit it, today has been one of those days ... all freaking day long ... from the moment I woke up, it's been a "I just can't do it today" day. I spent my workday hiding out in my cube, headphones on, hunkered down at my desk. When I did have to venture out of my safe spot to return work to the project managers, I took the back stairs, kept my head down while I handed them the job jackets and got back to my chair as quickly as I could. I hate these kinds of days, you know ... these days when the tears stand ready to burst forth at any moment ... these days when everything in me screams that I don't belong ... these days when believing there is anything worthy or good or right in me is seemingly impossible ... these days when my mind aches from the incessant beat of hurt and despair.
I knew I needed to go for a long, silent walk this evening ... I told myself all day that I needed a slow, meandering, completely alone with my dog, thinking walk this evening. When I'm having an "I just can't do it today" day and I don't want to see or talk to anyone, I walk my sidewalk route rather than my trail route. On my sidewalk route, I walk up the sidewalk to the back parking lot of the high school, cross the lot and walk along the drive that leads to a main road, cross the road and walk around behind the parking garage of a large company and eventually end up back on the sidewalk that leads me home. The only people I generally encounter on my sidewalk route are occasional students from the school, and it's rare that the kids ever even notice or acknowledge my presence. My sidewalk route usually provides quite the solitary path for my evening walk, perfect for nights like tonight when I needed to do nothing more than walk and think, and think and walk.
It's not unusual for me to contemplate what I'll write about in my posts while I'm out walking ... in fact, some of my best thoughts come to me while Ollie and I are taking our nightly strolls. But tonight, even though I tried desperately to stumble upon some semblance of brilliance to share with you, there was only one thought that returned again and again and again ... "Open. Honest. Real. Transparent." If you've been reading along with me for a while, those words are familiar ones to you ... those words are the foundation of the commitment I made to myself for the writing of this blog, and those words are the defining truths of the person I most desire to be. Open. Honest. Real. Transparent. And to be truly open, honest, real and transparent means writing from my heart ... even when my heart is having one of those "I just can't do it today" days.
Now that I think about it ... maybe those are the days when being open, honest, real and transparent in what I write is most important of all ... those "I just can't do it today" days ... those days when I feel hopeless, friendless, meaningless, worthless, loveless. Want to know why I think that? Because there are millions of people who feel exactly the same way ... people who need to know they aren't alone in the fight.
Remember that the "I just can't do it today" days won't last forever. So limp if you have to ... crawl if you must ... drag yourself if you need to ... but don't ever quit, friends ... don't you ever, ever, ever quit.
1 comment:
Here you are opening up your heart again. But I would like to add something, I hope you don't mind. You are having a day where you just want to stay home and hide, I too have those days, but here is the difference. I usually do stay home and hide. I am not usually nice on those days either. But here you are down in the dumps and I vented to you. Told you things that might not of been easy for you to hear yet you put you need to hide away to listen to me to show me you care. I LOVE YOU TERRIE. And thank you for the ears to listen and the shoulder to cry on. Someday I hope I can be the person to you that you are to me. Good night sis. Xxooxxoo
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