Atta Girl

Friday night when I went to bed, I did something I rarely do on a Friday night ... I set my alarm to rouse me from sleep at 6:00 a.m. Most Saturdays, I'm doing well to have eaten breakfast and made myself a cup of coffee by 7:30 in the morning, but yesterday, I was showered, fed, dressed and out the door at 7:29. I must say I was pretty darned impressed with myself ... one whole minute ahead of schedule is a pretty big flipping deal for me. Following my 8 a.m. haircut appointment, I hopped back in my car and headed to Brad's so we could ride together to his girlfriend Shelby's college graduation ceremony. I was so proud of myself for arriving at Brad's a few minutes early ... early enough that I spent some time rubbing Max the dog's tummy while Brad finished shaving. Wait a minute ... Brad was shaving ... that boy of mine is in love for sure ... he shaved, combed his hair and put on a button-down dress shirt to go to Shelby's graduation ... yep, my boy is head-over-heels in love in a big, gigantic way.

One of my good friends often says, "Atta girl" to me ... usually when I somehow manage to will myself at least partially out of a funk when I'm having a not so great day. The phrase has actually been used since the 1920s, and it's derived from "That's a good girl" which became "That's a girl" and eventually "Atta girl." It's meant as a form of encouragement, congratulations or praise for a woman or girl, sort of along the lines of "Go get 'em" or "You go, girl." But "Atta girl" ... at least for me, anyway ... carries with it a deeper meaning and a more significant standard for its use. To me, "Atta girl" means triumphing, overcoming, fighting back, trying again and again and again when everything within me is screaming at me to give up. "Atta girl" to me means doing the work that's necessary ... the tortuous and painstaking work that's necessary to overcome my doubts or questions or fears in order to accomplish those goals that seem so very often to be completely unreachable. 

Over the course of the last three years, I've seen Shelby mature and grow into a strong and confident young woman ... a young woman whom I consider to be one of the greatest blessings in my life. I've seen her overcome some pretty big obstacles on the journey toward accomplishing her education and career goals. I've seen her courage and determination ... her strength and commitment ... her hardworking, never give up attitude carry her through some really difficult times. I've seen her love my son in a way that makes him a better man ... her love challenges him and encourages him and believes in him and makes him a better man. There really are no words to tell you how deeply Shelby has touched my own heart ... her unconditional love and acceptance, and her concern for my happiness and well-being ... there really are no words to convey what she means to me.

This afternoon I'll be celebrating with Shelby and her family and friends ... her family and friends ... her family and friends. As I drove home after the ceremony yesterday, I couldn't help but think once again about how my little family of four has grown over the last several years ... Becca and her family and friends, Barrett and his family and friends, Shelby and her family and friends ... and of course my wonderful little C.J. and her soon-to-arrive baby sister. It's easy to get sucked into thinking about the family and friends I've lost over the last couple of years ... relationships that ended after I told the truth about who I am. I realize more and more every day how much deeper, how much truer, how much realer my life is now ... the people in my life now are the ones who matter so very, very much ... the people who make such a gigantically huge difference ... the people whom I love with all my heart ... the people who honestly love me just the way I am.

I'm proud of you, Shelby, for so many, many, many more reasons than graduating yesterday (Rock Chalk, Jayhawk for all you KU peeps out there, by the way) ... I'm proud of you for being the wonderful, amazing, kind, caring, talented, loving you. I'm so thankful you're part of our family ... I'm so beyond grateful you're part of my life.

Atta girl, Shelby Rose ... atta girl!!!

All Things Pink

When my son Matt was a little guy, his favorite color was purple ... funny that the school colors at the university he chose to attend for both his master's and Ph.D. degrees are purple and white. Yep, my Mattie loved purple ... not blue or red or green like most of his little boy friends ... my boy was a purple lover through and through. I think at one time during his childhood years, he talked me into buying him a purple comforter with matching sheets for his bed. Hmmm ... now that I think about it ... perhaps the lavender shirt and socks I dressed him in for Easter when he was a year old had something to do with Matt declaring purple to be his favorite color. It seems that he's passed along his affinity for purple to my granddaughter ... when I ask C.J. what her favorite color is, she always says, "Purple, Ghee ... I wub purple!" 

Sometimes I wonder who decided that the color pink would be associated with females and blue with males ... you know, like when a baby is born and nurses put pink caps on little girls and blue ones on little boys. If you go to any store in the country and check out the children's clothing department, you'll see tons of pink girl clothes and oodles of blue boy clothes. From the moment they are born, we begin to teach our kids that girls like pink and boys like blue. If a boy happens to like pink or a girl prefers blue, we make that child feel as if there is something "wrong" with them ... that he or she is different from all the other children. And that, in my opinion, is simply and utterly ridiculous.

My granddaughter likes to wear girly clothes ... skirts and dresses, frilly shirts and lacy socks ... and she loves, loves, loves to have her nails painted. But ... she also likes cars and trucks and airplanes, and she loves to wrestle and roughhouse. She plays with baby dolls and strollers, and she plays with trains and fire engines. And you know what's the most awesome thing about the diversity of her my granddaughter's interests? Matt and Becca do an absolutely amazing job of cultivating and encouraging C.J. to be C.J. ... they allow my sweet little C.J. to be C.J. From the top of her pretty little blonde-haired head to the tip of her adorable little painted purple toes ... my son and daughter-in-law let C.J. be C.J. I'm beyond proud of the two of them as parents ... they are raising their daughter to be secure and confident in who she is as a person ... nothing more, nothing less ... just the incredibly perfect person she is just exactly as she is.

Little girl number two is due in late July ... yep, Matt called it from the very beginning that C.J. will soon have a little sister. By the way, he was correct on C.J. as well ... even before they knew for sure, he said their fist baby was a girl. I can't help but wonder what this new little one will be like ... will she look like C.J. or be as busy as her big sister? One thing I know for sure ... the most important thing of all ... is that she will be loved greatly by every single member of her family. 

All things pink? Maybe, maybe not. All things unconditional love? You can bet your life on it ... you can indeed, friends ... you surely can indeed.

The Legend of the Arrow

When I was around 6 or 7 years old, my sister gave me and my niece (who was only a year a half younger than me) bows and arrows. The arrows weren't real arrows of course ... they were plastic with little rubber suction cups on the tips. Each bow and arrow set came with a white plastic target ... my niece and I decided pretty quickly that it was way more fun to shoot the arrows at each other than some dull piece of plastic with numbers painted on it. The arrows didn't hurt and the suction cups didn't stick to us ... unless ... we licked them and then aimed for each other's foreheads. But then we upped the game ... we figured out how to remove the little suction cups drom the tips of the arrows. Yep, that's right ... my niece and I turned those harmless little plastic arrows into some pretty decent weapons ... it's a wonder one of us didn't lose an eye.

When I was 11 years old, I went to a summer camp sponsored by the YMCA ... without question one of the most fun summers I ever had. Besides having an enormous crush on one of the counselors (who actually kissed me goodbye when camp ended), I learned how to shoot a real arrow from a real bow and hit a real target. It didn't take long for me to become enamored with the sport of archery ... so much so that I practiced every day and ended up winning first place in the archery contest at the end of the summer. While I'd like to tell you that I won first place because I was such an excellent archer, that wasn't the case at all ... I was actually a pretty lousy shot and missed the target way more than I hit it, and I never once hit the bulls-eye. I only won the contest because the other kids were worse shots than I was ... it wasn't my skill that won me the 1st-place trophy, it was sheer dumb luck and nothing more.

A gal in my office wears a necklace with an arrow on it, and today another gal asked her if there was a special meaning behind the gold chain and arrow. Her answer has been swirling around in my mind all evening ... "Before an arrow can fly forward, it has to be pulled back." I was instantly struck by the profound truth in her words ... truth that goes way beyond an arrow ... truth that I need to tuck deep within my soul and never forget it. So many times I grumble and complain about taking one step forward and then what feels like a million steps back ... I grumble and complain when I should be doing just the opposite. If I want to fly forward ... if I want to soar toward the target ... if I want to grow and learn and become who God desires for me to be ... I have to be willing to be stretched, tested and pulled back before I can fly forward.

Here's the thing ... an arrow can't fly unless the bow propels it forward ... I'll leave you to ponder on that for a while ... trust me, it's worth a few ponders. Maybe, just maybe, the legend of the arrow pales in comparison to the legend of the bow.

The Journey of We

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there ... I hope you've been showered with all the love and appreciation you so well deserve today. When I was eating my standard three juicy eggs with cream cheese this morning, my mind drifted back to the times my three kiddos would bring me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. I laughed out loud as I told my two dogs, Julie and Ollie, about sneakily picking egg shells out of my children's lovingly prepared scrambled eggs, wondering if eating severely undercooked bacon would make me sick and proclaiming that burnt toast was my favorite kind of toast. I'm sure those of you who are moms will completely understand when I say that the looks of joy on Matt, Brad and Meg's faces was totally worth fudging the truth a bit in regard to the awesomeness of their cooking skills. Thankfully, all three of them have grown up to be quite good in the kitchen ... Meghann whips up the best mashed potatoes in the entire universe ... Brad can grill hamburgers and steaks better than any chef in the finest restaurants ... and Matt cooks vegetables that are so delicious, it's hard not to be selfish and eat them all myself.

I've had a 3-day Mother's Day this year ... dinner and dessert (don't get your panties in a knot, mine was sugar-free) with Brad and Shelby on Friday evening, a beautiful arrangement of flowers delivered to my house yesterday from Meghann and Barrett, and an hour of Skyping with Matt, Becca and Boo today. By the way, I received my Mother's Day card from Matt and Bec over a week ago and didn't open it until I Skyped with them today ... booyah! My mom always opened cards and gifts the minute she received them ... even if they were clearly labeled not to open until the holiday. Oh, Mom ... not only have I thought about my kids all day today, needless to say, I've thought about Mom a lot as well.

There's construction going on across the street from my house ... the city is doing a major overhaul of the creek that runs along the walking path. They've cut down a bunch of trees, and there are big diggers and excavators all along the side of the trail. There are large piles of gravel and dirt covering several sections of the sidewalk and paved path, and there are numerous signs pointing to various detours for the many walkers, bikers and runners who frequent the trail on a daily basis. I must say that my little Oliver is not a happy dog with all the changes ... thankfully, the workers haven't done anything to his beloved bridges yet. If they do, I'm pretty sure that Ollie may well need to see a doggie head doctor ... he will be traumatized if the bridges come down.

As Ollie and I walked this evening, I was struck with the significance of the changes taking place on the trail ... of how those changes have caused so many people to alter their normal routine and seek out a different route. And the more I thought about those changes, both to the trail and to the people on it, the more it caused me to think about the journey of life ... the journey that encompasses so many people I love ... my parents, my siblings and extended family, my children, my granddaughter, my friends. There are times when the path we walk together is smooth, easy and familiar. There are other times when the path is changed either by accident or design, and we struggle to find a new way to keep on walking. There are even times when we may think the path is gone forever, that there is no fixing the broken pavement or no way to remove the piles of dirt that block our way.

The older I get, the more I think less about the destination and more about the journey. I think about how many amazing people I am blessed to share the path with ... I think so much more about the journey, the good, the bad and everything in between. The journey of we ... growing together ... loving together ... weeping together ... cheering together ... suffering loss together ... pushing together ... accepting together. The journey of we is the greatest, most magnificent part of life, friends ... the journey of we is life.

One Brave Guest

Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "Write hard and clear about what hurts." I know firsthand just how difficult that can be ... to write hard and clear about what hurts ... but I also know firsthand that from the deepest pain often comes the greatest growth. I've written and rewritten this opening paragraph about my guest blogger, and the truth is there are no words that can adequately convey to you the depth of her love for her family, the determination within her convictions or the tremendous scope of her strength and courage. What follows are words from her heart ... I'm sure they will touch your soul as they did mine. Hugs and prayers to you next week, dear friend ... you're an inspiration to all who know you.

"The Whole Person

I'm facing surgery within the week that will be an extremely powerful trigger to a very traumatic event in my life.  I am not a veteran and I did experience loss of life in my trauma, but the threat was very real.  The kicker for me is that the trauma was at the hands of a trusted doctor.  You may be asking what was the trauma; the details really aren't important.  It involved the threat of life lost, all my power being taken away, and a great deal of pain that haunts me still.

It's been over 18 years since the trauma and I have to admit I'm more than a little upset that I find myself dealing with triggers daily and now have to battle the worst of all of them.  I do my best to minimize the issues.  I do my best to forget, but I have become aware that I have more to learn from my experience.  I'm not convinced the education is to benefit me, but as He often does with lessons, I'm pretty sure I'll be a resource for someone else in a similar situation and it will make a difference.

The catch phrase I've heard lately is, "We treat the whole person."  I'm fairly certain when the medical community uses this phrase, they are speaking of the physical body with a sprinkling of spirituality of you ask for a minister.  A surgeon really doesn't know about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so, if I'm lucky, there is lip service given to meeting my needs.

"I'm very proactive in dealing with my health issues," is my new catch phrase to introduce the fact that treating the whole person in my case means we give more than lip service to my PTSD diagnosis.  It's not kosher to request specific care, but by utilizing my catch phrase, I open up a real dialogue on things that can help me survive this surgery as a whole person with my sanity intact.

My therapist and I have gone over a plan in great detail in an attempt to anticipate difficult situations while in the hospital.  I'm doing my best to hold things together.  When I'm overwhelmed with terror or a flashback, I use the tools I've developed to redirect my thoughts and feelings.  It's damn hard work.  Work that does not go unnoticed by my loved ones.  I'm very thankful for the fantastically supportive family I have.  I will get through this."

It Shouldn't Have Happened That Way

Sometimes all it takes is one unexpected conversation to spark a flood of thoughts and emotions racing through me ... one conversation that causes me to ponder how much my life has changed over the course of the last year and a half. I had one of those conversations at work today ... a conversation that has caused my mind to burn all day with memories of another conversation ... a conversation that by all standards of past experience and all standards of reason and logic should have never happened. But it did. That one day ... it shouldn't have happened that way ... but it did.

So many things shouldn't have happened that way on that day ... but they did. And when I think about all those things ... so many, many, many things ... I alternate between being completely creeped out at the way all those things could have happened randomly and believing that every single one of those things was individually part of an enormously huge divine plan. So many things that day shouldn't have happened that way ... but they did.

Perhaps I will forever wonder about the why of that day ... perhaps I will forever ponder about the how of that day ... perhaps I will ... perhaps I will indeed. Even as I write those words ... even as my mind rushes through each thing that shouldn't have happened the way it did on that day, I am keenly aware that every single thing that happened on that day worked together to change me forever. And there are some ... there are some who would say each of those things worked together to change them forever as well.

When I allow myself to walk down the path of trying to understand the how and trying to comprehend the why of how everything came together that day ... sometimes it's overwhelming to me. When I find myself unable to deny the vast interconnection of things that continue to occur because of that day ... sometimes it scares the living daylights out of me. But the most overwhelming ... the most terrifying ... the most humbling thought of all? If just one of the things that shouldn't have happened the way it did ... if just one of those things didn't happen the way it did, nothing that has happened since would have happened. No honesty with my kids ... no Gary or Elizabeth or Joshua or Stef or Nate ... no helping others. If I had been able to contact my supervisor ... if I would have just left work that day or called in sick ... if I wouldn't have fallen apart ... if my friend would have simply told me to go home and get some rest.

It shouldn't have happened that way, friends ... but it did. And I ... well ... sniffle, sniffle, sniffle ... I am so grateful that it did.

Until He Turned Around

I'm happy to report that this morning I got my stitches taken out and am now sporting a lovely new splint wrapped in royal blue bandaging. To all of you who assured me that having the stitches removed wouldn't hurt, I have one comment ... you all lie like dogs. Actually, it wasn't the stitches coming out that was so painful, it was the cutting of said stitches prior to their removal that hurt like crazy. The subsequent application of skin glue and steri-strip thingy wasn't a lot of fun either ... I can't believe I'm saying this, but I was grateful when the gal put the new splint on and wrapped it because that meant she wasn't going to touch my by then throbbing finger anymore. So ... three more weeks in the splint (but no sling ... hooray!) and then another couple of weeks in a compression wrap to control swelling and I'll be all done. All done ... I remember when those two words carried with them an entirely different meaning for me, friends ... an entirely different meaning indeed.

Yesterday, my finger was itching like crazy and pulsed with pain all day long ... definitely one of the worst days since my surgery last week. Ollie and I had only walked a couple of times over the last week because I didn't feel very well and I discovered it's sort of hard to walk my often rambunctious wiener dog with one arm tucked securely inside of a sling. But last night I decided that perhaps a walk would be a good distraction from my aching finger, so after dinner my little dog and I hit the trail. It was one of those picture perfect Kansas evenings ... wind blowing through the trees, sun sinking in the western sky, a coolness in the air that made the night feel more like fall than spring. I guess I didn't realize how very long it's been since I've walked on the trail ... Ollie and I have been walking the solitary route around the school for way longer than I wanted to admit. The solitary route that means we rarely pass other people ... the solitary route that means I don't have to interact with other people. But my solitary sidewalk is closed for repairs, so I was forced to walk on the trail ... yep, go ahead and read those words again, because they are loaded with meaning ... my solitary sidewalk is closed for repairs, so I was forced to walk on the trail.

Our walk was slow and meandering ... the kind of walk someone with an aching finger walks ... the kind of walk a person who doesn't want to bump or jostle an aching finger walks ... a slow and meandering kind of walk. By the time we made the turn to head home, my lower arm was itching like crazy so I stopped and placed Ollie's leash between my knees so I could reach inside the sling and scratch my itchy forearm. I heard a man's voice say, "Are you okay? Do you need some help?" and I looked up to see a gentleman who looked to be in his mid 50s ... a gentleman I didn't remember ever seeing on the trail before. I assured him I was fine ... just itchy ... and thanked him for his offer to help as I pulled Ollie's leash back into my hand and began walking again. I didn't think anything about it as the man fell in beside me as I walked ... it's not unusual for people to join me and Ollie and chat as we walk. But it didn't take long for me to realize there was something different about the man ... not scary different ... more like sad different or lonely different or ... well ... just different. Little did I know ... little did I know.

Our conversation began with the gentleman asking what had happened to my finger and me telling him I'd had surgery to remove a bone spur and cyst. He peppered me with questions about Ollie, what kind of work I do, if I have kids and grandkids ... and he nodded, smiled and laughed out loud when I talked about my little C.J. and having grandbaby number two scheduled to arrive in late summer. I asked him the same questions and listened attentively as he told me about his wife, children, job and dogs. But it was when he began to tell me about something that happened to him earlier this year that tears filled my eyes ... he had a brain tumor removed in February ... a brain tumor the size of a softball. "The tumor was benign," he whispered, tears filling his eyes as well. "The tumor was benign ... thank God the tumor was benign." We walked and talked for almost an hour, and it was dark when I finally rounded the corner of my street and pushed the button to open my garage door. But it was the last few minutes of our conversation ... it was the last few minutes that left a huge mark on my heart.

"Terrie, I am sure that you are often judged by others and quite probably judged harshly, especially by people of faith. I understand what that feels like ... I completely understand. People judge by us by the way we look on the outside." And then he turned around ... he turned around and revealed the massive scarring on the side of his face and head as he said quietly, "We're alike, Terrie ... people see my scars and are afraid of me. People are afraid of me because they don't know the truth ... they don't know the real me, the me behind the face. Hold your head high, sister ... God loves us all."

You see, friends, here's the thing ... until he turned around, I thought we were very different. Until he turned around, I thought we were so different. It was when he turned around that I realized we are so very much the same. 

Until he turned around ... think about it.

Look Up

I've spent quite a bit of time stretched out on the couch yesterday and today ... at least this weekend my overwhelming desire to migrate solely from my bed to my couch is due to physical pain rather than ... well ... you know. 

Yesterday, I was taking a break from the Criminal Minds marathon (thank you, thank you, thank you to the TV programming person who had such a brilliant idea) and checking email ... someone sent me the link to an amazing video. You should watch it. And then you should look up. We all should look up. We really, really should.

Click here to watch the video.

What Really Happened

So I went to work for a while yesterday ... I actually lasted most of the day before I had to cave in and admit I wasn't feeling so great and that my finger felt like it was on fire. It didn't take long for the folks in my office who didn't know I was having surgery to begin asking me what happened and why my arm was in a sling. I am blessed to work with such caring people ... people who tied my Converse shoes for me, cleaned my glasses, tested my blood sugar, brought me water, cleaned the orange presurgical skin prep off my arm and gave my non-surgeried hand a couple of good scrubbings in the kitchen sink.

When a couple of the young guys asked why I had to have surgery, I told them the truth ... I had a bone spur and cyst removed. My young friends quickly reprimanded me as they said, "Oh,no, Terrie, you need a much better story than that ... you're way too good of a storyteller for something that boring. This is what you should tell everyone." I'm sure you'll agree with me that their suggestions as to what really happened to my finger are way ... ummm ... way more ... ummm ... way more interesting (and violent) than the real deal to say the least. Happy Saturday, friends ... I'm off to take some pain medication and snuggle in with my doggies for a nice long nap.

"You were arm wrestling this big dude, and you were losing. But just before he pinned you, you had a freakish burst of strength, fought back and were just an inch away from winning when your finger broke. No, wait ... you slammed the guy's arm down so hard that it broke and the bone popped out and stabbed you in the finger." --- B.D.

"You were attacked by a tiger ... except there aren't tigers in Kansas so no one would believe that. Oh, oh, I know! You were out walking your wiener dog and out of nowhere, a giant bobcat came charging toward your dog. You jumped in front of the ferocious beast to protect your sweet little dog, grabbed the cat around the throat and wrestled it to the ground but in the process, it ripped your finger apart with its razor-sharp teeth." --- T.C.

It's Me

Thanks to all of you who've written to ask how my surgery went yesterday. And a triple giant thank you to my daughter for taking me and dealing with my fear and nervousness.

Surgery went well, other than the cyst was wrapped around a tendon and required a bit more time to remove. My plan to be able to type with four fingers is off the table for at least a week because the surgeon put me in a sling ... wasn't exactly planning on that. But so many of you have written ... well ... suffice it to say I care enough about you all to be typing this with one hand.

I'm doing okay ... yes, it hurts, of course it flipping hurts ... but I've been taking pain meds and trying to stay ahead of the pain as much as I can. Right now, I'm planning to try to go to work tomorrow for at least part of the day ... we'll see how the night goes.

Take care ... hug a couple of people tomorrow and tell them how much they mean to you.

Really. Seriously. Hug.