More than once when I was young, I thought about running away from home. I would get angry or hurt over something (most of the time it was because I was receiving some well-deserved punishment for my less than stellar behavior), and I would pack my things and tell myself I was going to hit the road in search of greener pastures. And each time, I would get as far as the end of the driveway or the end of my street, realize that I didn't really have it so bad and turn around and head back home.
As I've aged, I recognize that the desire to pack everything up and run away when things get tough is one that has stayed with me for all of my 50 years of life. There are situations and events and circumstances that cause my mind to immediately leap to thoughts of selling out, packing up and running away. I can't explain why, but the desire to flee ... to drive until I find a place to land, to start over in a new place where no one knows me, to tell no one where I'm going ... is very strong at times. Don't get me wrong ... I have family and friends whom I love and cherish and treasure, whom I can't imagine life without. And yet, at the same time, sometimes I simply want to run away and never look back.
I'm in runaway mode right now ... wishing I could take off and go find a quiet place to hide until the storm blows over and the skies clear. A place off the beaten path of life where my weary soul can rest and begin to heal. A place by a stream that will wash and cleanse me. A place where tall pine trees tower and give shade to my aching heart. A place where majestic mountains wrap around my tired and racing mind, comforting and cradling me in their glowing warmth.
I can't help but wonder how God feels when I slip into "gotta run" gear and start looking for a way out, a different road, a less rocky path. I can't help but wonder if it hurts His heart when my trust in Him flows relentlessly into a river filled with lack of faith. I can't help but wonder if it grieves His spirit when my hope caves into hopelessness. I can't help but wonder if His soul is wounded each time I duck and cover rather than stand and fight.
Stop me from running away. No more running, Lord, just resting. Help me to stay, God ... just to stay .... every single day. Tied to You, trusting in You, standing in You.
2 comments:
Terrie, I can't help it...your post made me think of Psalm 139...
Psalm 139
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you...
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
i think we've all felt like this a time or two. i know i have! :)
having a special needs child has bro't challenges into my life, and it has struck me like lightning in several different moments that sometimes we are ALL special needs kiddos in god's eyes. we have quirky or repetitive or disturbing (but sinful) behaviours...and what does god do with that?
as a parent of a sn child sometimes it becomes overwhelming (the day after day after day) and i want to run away from it or make it stop. but i can't. and life goes on.
so it strikes me, again and again and again, that i do this to god (again and again and again) but unlike my sn daughter my behaviours are (unwise or sinful) choices that i make.
knowing that god sticks it out with me, time after time after time, gives me new insight into handling a sn child. it doesn't magically make it easier. but it does make me stop and think. ;) that thing you like to do so much of. :)
it seems cliche to say stick with it, but seeing as that's what god does with us i'd say its pretty sage advice. :)
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