See Ya Later

My mom was not one to say the words "I love you," even when they were said to her first. In fact, I don't know that I remember more than a handful of times when Mom actually said, "I love you" to me. When I would say, "I love you, Mom," she would say, "I do you, too." And quite honestly, it used to irritate me a bit that she wouldn't come right out and say, "I love you." Funny, though, now that Mom is gone, I'd give everything I own to hear her say one more time, "I do you, too." I'm a big "I love you" saying kind of gal ... I rarely end a conversation or say goodbye to the people I love without telling them I love them. I've wondered from time to time if my children ever grow tired of hearing me say those words, but then when I think about it, I really don't care if they do ... until I draw my dying breath, I will say, "I love you" to them.

The last conversation that I had with Mom took place about a half-hour before my son Brad and I entered her apartment and found her in her favorite chair, Daddy's old chair, where she had passed away peacefully in her sleep. Mom was laughing when we talked ... laughing and eating an apple. Ending our chat with me telling her that I would see her in a few minutes, I said, "Mom, I love you ... I hope you know how much." And Mom's reply? "I love you, too." I remember that tears came to my eyes when I heard those words from her ... tears and a feeling in my gut that there was deep significance to Mom telling me she loved me. Little did I realize that those four words would be the last ones ever spoken from Mom's lips.

I've wished countless times since Mom's death that I would have listened more closely to my gut feelings that day, that I would have recognized somehow that maybe Mom was saying goodbye, that perhaps she had a gut feeling of her own that told her that her time on earth was drawing to a close. I've also thought many times that gut feelings are so much more than just intuition ... I think they are promptings and nudges from the Spirit, and I think I need to pay way more attention to them than I do. In a Women of Faith email I received today, Luci Swindoll wrote a little blurb called "Playful People," and one of her bullet points jumped off the page at me as I read it. "Listen to that tiny, soft voice inside and believe it." Gut feelings ... the Holy Spirit ... the voice inside.

So ... I'm going to listen to my gut and take some time off from work and leave town for a while. I think a long solo road trip may be just what I need. I think driving until I'm tired and stopping where I land will be an adventure. I think canine traveling companions are the best. I think seeing some old friends along the way may help me to heal. For all the things I think about this journey, I know for sure that I need some time alone with my Lord. I need time to commune with Him, to sit at His feet, to listen to His voice. I may blog while I'm gone, but I may not, so this is my see ya later post. I may not answer my phone or check my email every day. I know that some of my friends here in town may be a little miffed at me for not telling them before I left that I am traveling ... sorry, but this is something I need to do ... something I've needed to do for a while. Oh, and since you're reading this, I'm already on the road, Jon Krakauer style  ... with a wiener dog riding guard in the backseat.

Peace out, friends ... I'll see ya later.