When I hear the word cocoon, I think about two things ... the really weird movie about old people who discovered their very own fountain of youth through a bunch of alien pods in a swimming pool (it's sad that I know about that movie in the first place and even sadder that I've watched it enough times to know the storyline quite well), and my Bradley and his infatuation with all things buggy when he was little (countless caterpillars found a temporary home within Brad's tiny wooden bug box that he carried with him everywhere for several years). I'll spare you my thoughts on my first reference to what I think of when I hear the word cocoon, but I do want to share one thing in regard to Brad and his caterpillars. At the end of each day, Brad would release his bugs back into the wild of our back yard. On the days that there was a caterpillar in the mix, I would often tell him that if he wanted to keep the caterpillar until morning it would live and be just fine. And Brad would always have the same answer ... "No, Mom, the caterpillar needs to go so he can make a cocoon. If I keep him, he can't make a cocoon. And if he doesn't make a cocoon, then he can't come out of the cocoon all turned into a pretty butterfly." I maintain that kids have way more wisdom than we adults ever give them credit for ... way, way more.
I know I haven't been writing, and many of you have emailed asking about the new doctor I mentioned in my post from over a week ago. I've seen her twice ... two emotionally gut-wrenching and painful times, topped off by an emotionally gut-wrenching and painful visit to my regular doctor this morning, with the icing on the cake being the most miserable blood draw I've ever experienced. Tonight, both of my hands are throbbing and bruised ... but once again, I digress. The new doctor kept me in her office for two and a half hours Saturday, and then an hour and a half last night. And she insisted that I schedule another appointment, much to my deep dismay and in spite of my own insistence that sitting in her office answering her probing questions and sobbing my heart out is a waste of time and energy. But ... she talked about something last night that has impacted me ... as much as I hate to admit it, she struck a nerve deep within my wounded soul.
My memory isn't so great anymore, so I can't remember what caused her to talk about me being in a cocoon, but I do remember the analogy that she put before me. "You're cocooning, Terrie ... you've created a covering around yourself, withdrawn from the things you previously enjoyed, isolated yourself from those who love and care about you. Your cocoon is a safe place for you to hide from any judgment or condemnation that might come from others, and in many ways, it's the only place where you feel that you can be real. But ... just like the caterpillar ... if the caterpillar doesn't go through the process ... the quite difficult process ... of changing from a caterpillar into a butterfly ... if the caterpillar stays within the cocoon and doesn't come out ... he will surely die." Yep, you can bet those words struck a nerve deep within my wounded soul, alright ... a big old nerve way down deep inside of my soul.
The doctor went on to ask about those in my life who have stuck by me, those who continue to try to reach into my cocoon ... those who desperately want to help me find my way out, and she said she was confident that those who have been steadfast in their love for me will remain, no matter what. I think there's a wealth of truth in that thought ... those who have loved me through the last couple of years deserve a faithful and loyal award for sure because I certainly am not worthy of their love. I wept as she told me that I will be a very different person should I emerge, that I simply will not be able to ever be the person I was before ... that living in such a deep and permeating darkness will change me ... that it will either change me or kill me. My cocoon ... the place I've been hiding in ... if I emerge from it, I will be a different creature than I was before ... a more humble, real and honest creature with a new heart and a deeper, stronger faith ... and if I don't come out, I will most surely die. See that's the thing about cocoons ... either you go through the pain and fear and hurt involved in the process of change and find a way out, or you just die ... you stay buried inside and you just die.
I looked up the word cocoon in the dictionary when I got home last night, and I've been thinking about a couple of the definitions all day, especially after my time with my doctor this morning. "Something that keeps you safe for a season, but that stops you from learning to deal with problems" and "a covering that provides protection but that may also produce isolation." Both the new doctor who has known me for only a week and my doctor who's known me for many years are correct ... I am wrapped deeply within my cocoon. And I am facing the biggest question of my life ... will I find my way out?
2 comments:
I am going to pray that you find the strength and courage to break your own chains that are keeping you captive. I think you have a very wise doctor giving you very good advice. Coming out of that darkness is scary, very scary but she is right, those of us who truly love you, will still be here to love you, and to walk beside you. And Terrie, God will still love you also! Your life might change some, but sometimes change is good, and the freedom of being out of that cocoon is a GOOD feeling. I know, I've done it.
After this blog, there will be many, many prayers sent heavenward asking God to give you the strength to come out of your cocoon, to be the person He wants you to be once you emerge, and to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there will be many people there to love you, befriend you, help you, encourage you, get to know the new you, and celebrate your new "butterfly" self. It's interesting that several people who survived the Joplin tornado give the credit to "butterfly people" who protected them from the storm. A new term for old angels...hopefully you have them inside your cocoon even now!
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