Only Today

Today I went to church because I made a promise to two little kids that I would be there. Today I sat between the two of them ... one held my hand, and the other patted me on the back. Today I cried in church but I didn't sob. I chewed the inside of my cheek until it bled, but I didn't sob. I didn't sob because I was determined that I wouldn't lose it in front of those kids. I left before church was over and waited in my car for the kids to join me. I waited because their mom and dad had things they had to do today, and I had promised I would watch the kids. Today I took the little boy and little girl out for lunch. They ate pizza, and I ate a burger wrapped in lettuce. I ate every single bite of my burger because the little kids told me I needed to eat it all. I'm never hungry anymore, and my stomach hurts a lot. I've lost a lot more weight recently, but today I ate all of my burger and most of my salad. The kids reminded me to take my pills as we walked to the car. I took them to Target and bought them candy and sodas. I told them to choose some candy for their mom and dad and older siblings, and I smiled as they bickered over who liked what best. We went to my house, and they played with Julie and Ollie. Julie and Ollie were happy, and the kids were, too. My dogs wagged their tails ... a lot. The kids laughed and squealed ... a lot. I took them to see a 3D Imax movie, and I smiled at the expressions on their little faces as they watched the movie with the big, plastic glasses perched on their noses. I listened to them chatter in the car about all the critters from the movie as I drove them home. I walked them to the door and hugged them. I put the bag of candy on the stairs for the rest of the family. I hugged their mom and thanked her for letting me have the kids for the afternoon. I told her that today was a good day. I didn't tell her how much it means to me that she and her husband continue to allow me to spend time with their children, though they see the depths of my sadness. I didn't tell her how much it means to me that their family still loves me, in spite of my pain and my sorrow. I didn't tell her how desperately I needed to have just one good day, though I suspect that she knew. I smiled when the older daughter opened the door as I walked to my car and hollered out to thank me for the candy I had placed on the stairs. I drove home praying that God would bless their family and shelter their love for one another. I know it was only today ... but today was a good day.