It's Time

Several years ago, I had a shirt that I adored. It wasn't an expensive shirt; in fact, I think I paid like $15 for it. It had a mandarin collar ... yes, I had to Google it ... geez, of course I had to Google it to find out what a button-up shirt without a collar is called. It was blue and white striped, not pinstripes, mind you, but wide blue and white stripes. I'm not sure why, but the shirt kind of reminded me of a hippie shirt for some reason, and I wore it a lot ... a whole lot. I'm sure if you asked my kids, they would remember that shirt ... I wore it all the time, and I was pretty darned vocal about how much I loved it. I remember well the day I finally had to throw away my beloved collarless, hippie-like, blue and white striped shirt because it was quite literally falling apart. I had tears in my eyes as I placed it gently in the trash ... it was as if I was saying goodbye to an old and dear friend. But, as I said, my well-loved and well-worn old shirt was falling apart ... the material had grown thin and threadbare, the cuffs were ragged, and there were even a couple of holes near the bottom of the shirt. Though I held on as long as I could to the old shirt, I finally had to acknowledge that it was time to say goodbye.

I've slept on the same pillow for more years than I would ever admit to anyone ... it's a down-filled pillow, or at least it was filled with feathers when I purchased it all those years ago. Now it's ... well ... it's ... I can't even find the words to describe to you what my pillow is like now. I guess it's sort of like ... sort of like ... nope, there really are no words to describe what it's like now. That old pillow has been with me through so many life events, both good and bad, and it has served me faithfully ... cradling my head at night, catching an ocean's worth of my tears, comforting me when I was ill ... yep, my old pillow has been more than faithful to me over the years. I've bought several other pillows, knowing that the day would come when I would have to say goodbye to my long-time down-filled companion. I've tried to sleep on those other pillows from time to time ... not one of them has ever felt right to me, and I would spend more time awake than asleep.

For the last week or so, I've been really, really tired ... perhaps because several events that have taken place over the last couple of weeks really sucked the wind out of my sails. So much so that I did something today that I haven't done in a long time ... I overslept and was late for an appointment this morning. I noticed when I woke up that something seemed amiss with my pillow, but since I was already late, I didn't have time to figure out what it was. And since I forget more than I remember these days, I didn't think about it again until I changed the sheets on my bed later in the afternoon. As I lifted my precious pillow to take the pillowcase off, I saw it ... a tear in the lining ... a tear that upon closer examination caused me to realize that the material was thin and threadbare ... a tear that made my eyes fill with tears as I was forced to acknowledge that it was time to say goodbye.

Tonight, I will force myself to sleep, or attempt to sleep, on a new pillow ... a pillow that is fresh and clean and holds its shape so very well. Perhaps because I'm so tired, I will actually be able to sleep on the strange-smelling, odd-feeling, weirdly shaped rectangle ... at least I hope I'll get some sleep anyway. I haven't been able to bring myself to throw my old pillow away just yet, maybe tomorrow. Though I know it will be most difficult to say goodbye, I also know that it's time. It's time to start over, to try again, to find a way to make myself adjust to a new pillow ... I have no choice but to find a way to do what has seemed so impossible. It's time to learn how to sleep on a new pillow because my old one has finally broken down to the point that it can no longer exist in the way that it has for so many, many years. Even as I type those words, I'm overwhelmed with the symbolism contained within them ... with the lesson they are screaming for me to understand.

It's time to start over ... to try again ... to find a way to do the impossible. It's time. It really is time, friends. It's time.