Always The Bridesmaid

Tonight's post is one of those that needs a disclaimer right up front ... it's going to be one of those gut honest posts ... one that's been swirling around in my brain for the last couple of weeks ... one that I've gone back and forth over whether or not to write it. But here's the thing ... I've learned that those kinds of posts are the very ones that I need to write, because those posts are generally the ones that help the most people, myself included. 

Weddings ... weddings are big life events, whether it's your own wedding or the wedding of someone who is special to you. Me being who I am, when I think about weddings, one of the first things I think of is fancy clothes ... of course I do, right? But I think about a lot more than just the fancy duds ... I think about love and commitment and promises and hope for the future. Weddings are one of those times in life when troubles seem to disappear and all becomes well with the world. Weddings bring people together ... weddings bring people together to celebrate the incredible miracle that is love.

I've been blessed to have been asked to be in a few weddings in my day, to don a fancy dress ... yep, I said dress ... and be a member of the wedding party. Some of those weddings took place before I walked down the aisle for my own wedding, and some occurred after I was married. And as I've been mulling over this post, I've been thinking about how different my feelings were when I stood at the front of the church as an unmarried bridesmaid as compared to how I felt when I filled the same role as a married bridesmaid. I distinctly remember one wedding when an old lady I didn't even know said to me, "Oh, honey child ... you're just always the bridesmaid and never the bride, aren't you? Don't worry, I'm sure someday someone will come along who wants to marry you." For the record, don't ever say those words to a single bridesmaid ... never never never ever say those words to a single bridesmaid who quite possibly is already wondering if she will ever be the bride.

When I get sad like I was for the last couple of weeks, people invariably ask me what happened to make me sad ... a whole lot of people ask me what happened to make me sad. The truth is that sometimes nothing happens to trigger my sadness ... sometimes I just wake up one day and I'm sad. At other times, I can trace the root of my sadness back to a certain event that occurred or a specific conversation that took place. Though it frustrates me terribly when I wake up sad for no real reason, I've come to understand that there's absolutely nothing I can do about that kind of sadness other than wait it out. When my sadness is the result of a tangible event or conversation, that's a bit trickier and involves my need to set boundaries or stand my ground ... sometimes I'm not so good at either of those, by the way. I'm learning to deal with both of those kinds of sadness ... learning being the key word there because I'm certainly not there yet. 

There's another kind of sadness, however, that terrifies me ... the sadness that causes me to quake in my boots ... it's what I call the "smoldering sadness," and it's a beast ... trust me, it's a real beast to overcome. My most recent round of sadness was sort of a combo ... a difficult conversation that caused the smoldering sadness to burst into flames in a big, huge way. It's funny how that works, you know, how one of the other kinds of sadness can spark the smoldering sadness and turn it into a huge bonfire before I even realize what's happening. And when the smoldering sadness starts burning, it's really, really, really hard to put out the flames.

I think we all have at least a few embers of smoldering sadness within us, some more than others. For me, my smoldering sadness is about always being a bridesmaid and never the bride. You see, I'm the person other people talk to about what's going on in their lives ... and please don't misunderstand me ... I'm so very glad I can be that person. I'm the person who listens without judgment, and people know their secrets are safe with me. And again, please don't misunderstand me ... I'm honored and humbled that people feel comfortable enough with me to share their secret struggles and joys and everything in between, and I hope they always will. I'm happy I'm the person people confide in and ask advice of and vent to ... very happy ... very, very, very happy. I am also, however, the person who listens to people talk about their plans with friends for the weekend or where they are lunching together that day or whom they're inviting to their house for a dinner party or which store they will choose for their shopping excursion of the week, along with a plethora of other group or friends-related activities. It's quite rare that I'm invited to participate in any of those events these days, and that's not so much happy for me, friends ... not so much happy at all. That's my smoldering sadness ... feeling like I don't fit ... like I'm not wanted ... like I don't belong. Yep, when those flames start burning, they can turn into a mighty, mighty big fire before I can snap my fingers.

Lest you finish reading this post with the words "oh, poor Terrie" on your lips, please allow me to close by assuring you that's neither the reason nor the point of my penning this entry ... not at all. What I want you to take away from tonight's post is quite simple ... there are a ton of people out there who are always the bridesmaids and never the brides. Bridesmaids who gladly and willingly stand every single day in support of people they love and care about ... but bridesmaids who also carry within them the smoldering sadness of being unseen or unappreciated or unloved or unwanted or unheard or unnecessary. My reason tonight? My point tonight? My prayer tonight? One and only one ... that you'll take the time and make the effort to look for the bridesmaids in your own lives ... that you'll not only look for them but that you'll invite them to be the bride now and again. You might just be surprised at how much good it does ... not just for them, but for you as well.