What's the Point?

Watching the news reports and reading the Facebook updates of my family and friends concerning the havoc caused by the wicked winter weather in the deep South gave me a whole new appreciation for the salt truck in front of me and the flat roads beneath me as I drove home from work last night. It took me more than two hours to get home because of the treacherous road conditions created by an afternoon of freezing mist, and by the time I slid into my garage, I was more than thankful the owners of our company had sent us home early. Both shoulders of the southbound interstate I was traveling on were filled with cars and trucks that had spun around on the icy road and were facing oncoming traffic ... in all the years I've lived in Kansas City, I've never seen so many vehicles stuck on the shoulder of the highway. Most people here in the Midwest have a healthy respect for winter weather and drive slowly and cautiously when the roads are slick. I say most people because there are always those few who drive too fast and end up causing accidents ... or sitting on the side of the interstate facing oncoming traffic. I always wonder why people do that, you know ... drive too fast when the road conditions are bad ... I always wonder what the point is in driving too fast on snowy or icy roads. What's the point of risking your own life and the lives of others .... wouldn't it be better to take your time and drive slowly when the weather is cruddy? Seriously ... what really is the point?

That question ... that what's the point question ... is one that continues to haunt me from time to time. Not in regard to the idiots who drive too fast on slick roads, but in regard to ... well, perhaps I should back up a bit and explain. In just a few days, it will be two years since I sat at my kitchen table with a handful of pills ready to end my life ... two years since so many of my days were filled with a consuming desire to die. In some ways, that day feels like a lifetime ago while in others, it feels as though it were just yesterday. I spent a lot of time back then asking myself what the point of living was ... I well remember staring into the mirror each morning and asking the weary, sad, worn face before me, "What's the point, Terrie? What's the point of going on? What's the point of trying anymore? What's the point of living another day?" The day my answer to those questions became, "There is no point, Terrie ... no point at all," ... that's the day I came within minutes of checking out of this life for good.

While I wish I could tell you that question ... that what's the point question ... has never entered my mind again since that fateful day, I can't. The truth is that it remained just underneath the surface for many, many months following what I will forever believe was a divine interruption on that cold day in February two years ago. The truth is that every now and again, that question rears its ugly head even now ... not as often and it generally leaves pretty quickly, but the truth remains that I still have times when I question the point of my existence. It's frustrating beyond belief to me the way the question seems often to come from nowhere ... no rhyme, no reason, no event to spark my descent into its nasty grasp upon my mind. I mentioned to my life-saving head doctor last week that the question had been knocking at my door off and on for a couple of weeks ... a comment that resulted in a writing assignment I've been unable to complete. Not being able to complete the writing assignment has nothing at all to do with time, by the way, but everything in the universe to do with the subject matter the good doc requested I write about.

Even though there are days when I struggle to find the answer to that question ... that what's the point question ... today isn't one of them. Today is my granddaughter's second birthday ... yep, my sweet C.J. is two years old today. I miss her terribly and would give anything to be in Canada today to kiss her rosy little cheeks and wish her a happy birthday in person, but I'll have to settle for sending her 2-year-old birthday wishes along to her via Skype instead. Two years old ... can she really be two years old? In some ways, the day she was born feels like a lifetime ago while in others, it feels as though it were just yesterday. Two years ago, my granddaughter took her first breath, cried her first tear, saw her first light ... and today ... today, I'm her Ghee and she's my buddy. C.J. wasn't the only one who began the journey of life two years ago, you know ... her Ghee did, too.

So ... what really is the point? Love ... love is the point ... the only real and lasting point ... the only point that truly matters ... the point of going on, the point of trying again and again and again, the point of living ... the point, my friends, is love.