15 Minutes

One of the things I love most about spending time with my granddaughter Coraline, whether that time is spent talking on the phone or Skyping on the computer or visiting her in Canada, I love that she doesn't measure the time we have together in minutes or hours ... my little Boo measures the time we have together in fun and happiness and love. She doesn't care about time ... she cares about being with her Ghee. Coraline counts our time together by the laughter we share and the books we read and the silly faces we make and the stories we tell. It can be 15 minutes or 15 hours ... to Coraline, it is simply her Ghee time and that's all that matters.

Last night I attended a meeting I didn't want to attend ... well, I attended the meeting for 15 minutes before I bailed. I've tried all day to convince myself that my 15-minute unwilling attendance last night was the same as willingly attending the entire meeting ... pretty sure that's not true .. pretty, pretty, pretty sure that's not even a teeny tiny bit true. Here's the thing ... the really hard thing for me to admit ... I left the meeting knowing full well I should stay. But those meetings make me uncomfortable ... those meetings drag me kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone ... those meetings force me to see things in myself that I don't want to see ... those meetings are just hard, really, really hard, and I'm just plain old tired of doing the hard stuff. And because I so obviously know what is best for me (that's sarcasm, by the way, in case you didn't catch it), I stayed for 15 minutes and then I left ... 15 long, tortuous, uncomfortable, weepy minutes and then I left.

When a friend suggested today that my title for tonight's post be "15 Minutes," I instantly knew that her interpretation of my 15-minute stint at last night's meeting meant something altogether different to her than it did to me. She saw me going to the meeting, even if it was only for 15 minutes, as a victory while I saw it as a failure. To her, those 15 minutes counted as a huge, gigantic, enormous step in the direction toward healing while to me, they counted as some of the longest, most painful, intensely humiliating minutes of my life. My friend saw those 15 minutes as an opportunity for incredible personal growth while I saw them as a reminder of how greatly I have failed and how far I have yet to go. 

I'm not going to lie ... I didn't want to write tonight ... there wasn't one part or piece of me that wanted to write tonight. But just as the bitter cold air hit my face when I stepped outside after work, a warm and piercing truth hit my heart as I walked to my car. My little Coraline doesn't measure our time together in minutes or hours because she doesn't have to call me or have to Skype with me or have to play with me ... she gets to do those things with me. Every minute I have with my precious granddaughter is measured in fun and happiness and love because in her mind, spending time with her Ghee is a get to rather than a have to activity ... she sees every single minute we have together as a gift.

Something tells me those 15 minutes at the meeting last night meant far more than I thought they did ... far, far, far more than I thought they did.