If Only I Had Known

My television set is old ... I'm thinking it's got to be at least 15 years old, which makes it a true dinosaur in the world of technology. It's one of those big boxy-looking TVs that you rarely see anymore except ... well ... except on TV. It's old and ugly and randomly makes weird popping noises, and each day I wonder if today will be the day when the light from my television no longer shines ... if today will be the day when its sound becomes forever silent ... if today will be the day when it gives up the ghost and goes to wherever it is that dead old TVs go. It's crazy, I know, considering that I don't actually watch a lot of television ... but I know as surely as I've ever known anything that I will miss my TV when it's gone. I don't know what day my old, ugly, noisy television will die, but I know that day is coming and I know it's probably coming sooner than I want.

I turned 55 the day after Christmas, and for the first time in my life, I'm bothered by my age. It didn't bother me when I turned 30 or 40 or even 50, but for some reason turning 55 has done a number on my brain. I can't explain it really, but it's like I woke up on December 26th and realized that my time is running out ... I realized that I've lived more years already than I probably have left to live and the truth is that it's bugging the hell out of me. It's not that I'm afraid of dying ... we all know that's not the case ... it's that there are so many things I haven't done yet, and so many things I should have done but didn't and will never have the opportunity to do now. Maybe everyone has those same feelings and emotions as they age ... those "I'm not done yet" feelings and those "I wish I would have" emotions. Maybe that's one of those universal truths in life ... the older a person gets, what really matters in life becomes so much more clear and so very, very, very much more important.

I've come to believe that some of the most important life lessons come at the most unexpected times and often from the most unexpected sources, which, I think, only serves to add to the depth of their meaning and the truth of what I need to learn. Though I have no clue what I was watching on television a few nights ago, I sure hope I always remember the lesson contained in some words spoken by an older gentleman whose wife was involved in a car accident and had been placed on life support. As he stood by her bedside after signing the paperwork to have the machines turned off, he held her hand and whispered softly in her ear, "I thought we had more time ... if only I had known this morning would be our last moments together ... I thought we had more time." Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my cheeks and my mind was filled with so many "if only I had known ... " moments in my own life ... moments that if only I had known they were final moments, I would have done so many things differently. I would have spoken more gently ... I would have hugged more tightly ... I would have listened more intently ... I would have loved more deeply.

I'm working on a new bucket list ... a list of things I want to do before I kick the bucket ... to replace the one I made a couple of years ago. My list is a lot different now than it was then ... my list is way more about people this time around. I don't care so much these days about seeing the Grand Canyon or traveling to Sweden or learning to play the violin. The things on my list now? I want my children and my granddaughters to know that I think about them every single day. I want them to know that I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone and that the greatest happiness I've ever felt is in being a mom and a Ghee. I want to have my ears and my eyes and my heart wide open so that I hear and see and feel the needs of others. I want to live for a time with my homeless friends so that I may fully understand what sacrifice really means. I want my words to match my actions ... I want to keep my promises ... I want to be honest in all I do. I want my friends to know they can trust me completely, and I want to trust them the same way. I want to listen to them and cry with them and laugh with them and care with them and hope with them and dream with them. I want to care more ... I want to listen more ... I want to help more ... I want to give more ... I want to love more. 

I have a lot of "if only I had known" moments ... moments I would change in a heartbeat if I could go back in time. If only I had known I was holding my dad's hand for the last time, I would have held on tighter. If only I had known I would never hear Mom's voice again, I would have listened longer. If only I had known the last time I saw my dear friend Annie was the last time, I would have told her how precious her friendship was to me and what a difference she was making in the lives of my children. If only I had known it was my little J.R.'s last week to live, I would have taken off from work and held him in my arms every single moment. If only I had known how wounded my friend's heart was, I would have driven him to the counselor and stayed with him until the pain went away.

I look at life so much differently now than I did when I was younger ... I look at life so much differently now than I did before I was a mother or a grandmother ... I look at life so much differently now than I did when I was ready to end it all once and for all. Every time I say goodbye to someone now ... every time I hug someone now ... every time I cry with someone now ... every time I laugh with someone now ... every time I listen to someone now ... every time I hold my precious granddaughters in my arms now ... every time I look into the eyes of my children now ... every time I feel the hearts of my friends now ... every single time I say goodbye now ... I don't want to leave any words unspoken, any deeds undone, any love unshared.

If only I had known ... I would have loved more and listened more and given more and helped more and stayed more. If only I had known ... if only you had known ... if only we all had known. What would you say ... what would you do ... if only?

If only I had known ...