Because of You

As I sit here on my couch typing, there's a sad, sad dog sitting at my feet ... a dog who already misses his boy in a big, big way even though he's only been gone for a few minutes. I'm not sure I've ever seen a dog more human-like than this one ... if he could talk, I'm pretty sure he would say something along the lines of, "Where is he? Where did he go? Is he leaving me forever? ... My boy is never coming back, is he?" Yep ... there's a big brown dog in my house who seems to be completely convinced he's been abandoned and forsaken by his one true love, and I'm sitting here feeling pretty sorry for the big guy and wondering what I can do to make him feel better ... what I can do to make him know Brad will be back ... what I can do to ease his pain and rid him of his loneliness. You see, Brad is leaving town early tomorrow morning for Las Vegas for a week-long freelance film gig, and his best canine buddy Max is spending the week with Julie, Ollie and me. Max is a great dog, and I know he'll cheer up soon, but for tonight, he looks like one big, lonesome, sad ball of dog fur. His droopy tail and sad eyes tell the story of what's in his mind ... Max is absolutely certain that he's lost his sense of happy forever.

I know what that feels like, you know ... feeling that I've lost my sense of happy forever ... I know that feeling all too well and I'll tell you right now, I truly hate it. It's as if I've been dropped off in a giant forest amidst a bunch of virtual strangers, left to wonder and worry if my real owner will ever return to rescue me and take me home where I belong. Suddenly, everything that mattered to me, everything that was familiar to me, everyone I loved and trusted is gone and I'm left wandering through the forest unsure of where I belong and terrified by every step I take. I'm just like Max ... I watch the door with the hope it will open and my life will walk back in.

For all the things I've forsaken over the last couple of months, I think perhaps the most difficult and painful for me has been giving up writing this blog ... or writing much of anything else for that matter. You see, writing has always been the one thing I've been able to do no matter what was going on ... both good and bad ... I've always been able to write. In fact, writing has always been my haven of sorts, my place I could run to ... my place where I knew I belonged. But for the last two months, I've had little to no desire to write anything at all. It's a struggle for me to write now ... for the first time, writing is hard, writing is frightening ... for the first time, I have no desire to write. And that, my friends ... that absolutely scares the living daylights out of me.

I'm amazed by the number of comments the "A Room Without Feathers" post I wrote with my friend has garnered, and I'm astounded by the number of emails and messages I continue to receive. I wish I could tell you that I woke up on New Year's Eve and the cloud of doubt and fear had magically lifted and I was itching to get back to writing. I wish I could tell you that, but it wouldn't be even remotely true. For now, I'm writing because of you ... because of your comments urging me on ... because of my co-writer who encourages me (translation: pushes me) every day to write ... because of my children and my granddaughters ... because of my family ... because of my friends ... because of my life-saving head doctor ... because of you. I'm writing not because of me, but in spite of me ... I'm writing because of you.

I was thinking this afternoon ... sometimes it's right to do something because of someone else, you know. And sometimes each and every one of us needs, deserves and requires some pushing and not-so-subtle persuading to do the right thing. And a lot of times the right thing is most likely the hard thing ... because of you, friends ... I'm writing because of you.