Johnson, Party of One

There are a lot of things I don't mind doing alone ... I don't mind walking alone or shopping alone or going to the library alone or pumping gas alone or going fishing alone or even going to church alone ... but I will adamantly state that all of those things are much more fun to do when I have someone to do them with. But there are some things I simply don't do because doing them alone makes me feel really, really, really lonely. I won't eat out in a restaurant alone or go to a movie alone or sleep in a tent alone or go to a bar alone ... nope ... I just won't do those things alone, hence the reason I rarely eat out or go to a movie or sleep in a tent or go to a bar, because ... well ... because I spend a great deal of my time away from work alone. 

In my post last night, I wrote about today being World Suicide Prevention Day and the significance this day has for me now. What I didn't say in last night's post, however, was how deeply affected I am by this day this year. I truly have no idea why ... there's no reason for World Suicide Prevention Day to mean more to me this year than it has for the last two years, but yet it does. I woke up this morning thinking about the countless people who have written to me telling me of their own brushes with suicide or of losing a child or a parent or a sibling or a friend to suicide. As I showered, hot tears ran down my face and I sobbed as I thought of the pain I would have caused my own children and my precious granddaughters had I carried out my plan that day. All day, my brain has pulsed with thoughts of people all around the world lighting candles on this day in memory of a loved one lost through suicide ... of people all around the world lighting candles to pay tribute to and show their support for their loved ones who continue to fight against the darkness of depression every single moment with every single breath they breathe ... of people all around the world lighting candles to show how much they care.

It's been a stormy evening here in Kansas City, and though I detest storms, it seems very fitting on this night ... the booming thunder reminding me of the deafening voice of depression and despair ... the flashing lightning reminding me that within the deepest darkness, there is a light to help me find my way ... the torrential rain and the howling wind reminding me that even the fiercest of storms will eventually pass. Though my heart desperately wished to have friends or family join me this evening as I lit a candle in honor of World Suicide Prevention Day, it seemed somehow fitting that I pay tribute alone ... to remember another day when I was alone ... to recognize the progress I have made ... to offer up a prayer of gratitude for the gift of living ... to ask for comfort and peace and help and love for those who struggle, for those who hurt, for those who are alone and afraid and ashamed.

Johnson, party of one ... your candle is ready.