The first time I was asked to be the keynote speaker for a group was over 10 years ago. I remember how terrified I was, to the point of getting sick in the restroom just before I went on stage. I also remember how as soon as I finished speaking that evening, I knew that was what God was calling me to do ... I knew it as much as I've ever known anything in my life. I may work full-time as an editor for an ad agency, but my calling ... the ultimate reason why God put me on this earth ... is to be a speaker and a writer.
Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying ... my speaking and my writing have never had anything to do with me and everything to do with God. He gives the voice and the words, and I am nothing more than a vessel for His use. I know and understand that now, but that hasn't always been the case. It didn't take long for me to get over the fear I had when I spoke the first time; in fact, as more and more speaking engagements came along, I became arrogant and self-promoting. I was filled with pride in my own abilities, and I took all the credit rather than giving it to Whom it truly belonged.
I haven't spoken much over the last year, partly due to my health issues and the doctors not wanting me to travel. But I've also turned down many requests because my heart wasn't where it should be, and deep down inside, I knew it. Those of you who have been reading along as I've penned my recent life journey know that God has been working on me, dealing with me, stripping me of "me," altering my path and challenging everything I believed to be true about my faith, my soul, myself. I've described the place where God currently has me as a desert ... a vast, dry, hot, empty desert ... and I've struggled to understand why I am here. And though there are many things I don't understand and though I have a multitude of "whys," I know that part of His reason is to teach me humility ... to make me know to the core of my being that I am nothing ... nothing ... and He is everything.
Tonight, I will walk onto a stage and speak to a large group of women for the first time in many months. The fear that I felt the first time I stood before a group pales in comparison to the sheer terror that has possessed me for the last week whenever I have thought about tonight's event. I believe, however, that God is teaching me even through my fear ... or perhaps He is teaching me because of my fear. I know that I cannot step onto that stage tonight without Him. For as sure as I was all those years ago of my calling, now I find myself questioning where God is taking me or what He wants me to do. I don't understand why over the last month I've received a plethora of speaking requests at a time when I feel that my spirit is waning, my soul is wounded and my heart is weary. But I do know, as much as I've ever known anything, that tonight has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him.
My prayer for the evening is that only God will be front and center tonight, that the women present will hear only His voice, that only He will be honored and glorified.
1 comment:
One of the greatest ways to honor God is to be obedient. Just speaking when you are so unsure is a sign of your willingness to do what God has called you to do. It's inspirational to those of us who perhaps need to be more obedient to our own callings.
Praying that you will continue to say "Yes" to those speaking requests. God will bless you for being a "good and faithful servant." And, I am blessed to call you my sister in Christ.
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