Intentional Sin

When I first began penning this blog way back in 2008 ... wow, has it really been that long ago? Anyway, I never anticipated when I began writing that people would actually read the words that God was placing on my heart. I saw this blog as an online journal, almost like a diary, I suppose ... a diary that not only doesn't have a lock and key, but a diary that is open to the whole world to read and comment upon. I didn't anticipate that some of these posts would generate as many emails and messages as they do, and I certainly didn't expect that people would ask me questions about faith or God or sin, not to mention the questions I receive about diabetes, weight loss and depression. I love reading your messages, and I deeply appreciate that so many of you pop in to read these posts every day (though many days, I scratch my head in wonder as to why you do).

I knew when I started this blog that it was supposed to be real and honest, even though at times that has meant that it's been an arduous task to write about certain issues ... issues in the world or in my own life. And though it's hard at times, I feel God telling me ... commanding me, actually ... to be open and real in this forum; I feel Him telling me that writing the often gut-wrenching confessions about areas in my life where He's dealing with me is what He wants ... demands, actually ... that I do. I'm not sure why God leads me this way, not sure at all. I wouldn't be surprised, however, if humbling me and stripping away my pride is part of His ultimate purpose and plan behind some of my more revealing posts. Recently, I've been thinking a great deal about a topic that I'm sure will stir some commentary, if not outright controversy, when I hit the "publish" button. But again, the more I've mulled the issue over in my head, the more I feel God saying, "Write it."

I've been thinking about sin ... I know, not a lighthearted topic by any means. I've been thinking about the times that I've kind of stumbled into sin. You know the kinds of times I'm talking about ... times when you have an unkind or impure thought race into your mind seemingly on its own; times when you didn't speak up for what was right because you were so outnumbered or even threatened by others; times when you were weak mentally or emotionally or physically and made the wrong choice. Not intentionally meaning to sin, but yet sinning still the same. For some reason, it seems to me that those sins are easier to condone or overlook ... I don't know why, but it sure seems that those are more quickly forgiven, both by God and by others.

Here's the thing, though, the real heart of the thoughts that have been flooding my mind for the last few days on the subject of sin. What about the times when I intentionally sin? When I willingly put myself into situations where I know I'm going to fall? When I go in with my eyes wide open, knowing that my thoughts, words and deeds either are or will be sinful? What does that say about my walk with the Lord? What does that scream about my faith to those who know me? What does that do to my witness and my example to those watching me from afar? The logical and reasonable side of me says that premeditated, thought-out sin has got to be worse somehow than unplanned, caught-off-guard sin. Even our legal system has stiffer penalties for those who commit crimes in a deliberate, predetermined manner than those who break the law through crimes of instant rage or passion. But the emotional, heart side of me says that sin is sin is sin in God's eyes, and that He always forgives when I confess my sin to Him. But then the whole concept of repentance enters in ... wouldn't true repentance mean that once a person repents, they never return to that sin again?

Back to my original statements in the opening of this post ... to those of you who ask me deep, philosophical, spiritual questions, I don't know the answers to many of life's questions. I certainly don't know the answers to the concept of intentional vs. accidental sin ... or if there is even such a thing as sinning by accident. I don't know if there are some things in life that may be sin to one person and not to another. I do know that God loves me just as I am and that He has this issue on my heart for a reason ... there's something He wants me to learn ... some truth He wants me to absorb ... some change He wants to bring about in me ... He's got me thinking about it for a reason.

Now that I'm pondering it, maybe He simply wants to humble me, to cause me to admit that sometimes I struggle with following His will for me. And maybe ... maybe part of that reason is that one of you who's reading this post has the same issue on your heart as well. I don't have to know His reason ... I just have to know Him.