The evening my son and daughter-in-law told me they were pregnant with my first grandchild, I think I did a pretty decent job of hiding the true emotion behind all the tears I shed at the table in the restaurant. It wasn't love for my kids or excitement about being a grandma that fueled my tears that night ... it was anger. You see, I went to dinner with all my kids that evening to say goodbye ... they wouldn't have known that's what I was doing because I had convinced myself that we would have a great evening filled with love and laughter and memory-making. I wanted their last memory of me to be when I hugged and kissed them goodbye ... I wanted the last words they heard me speak to be, "I love you and I'm so proud of you."
It turned out that I did hug all of my children and tell them how much I loved them and how proud I was of them that night when we parted, but it was under much different circumstances than I had imagined. I'll never forget my hour-long drive home that evening ... I knew my plan for the coming weekend would have to wait until after the baby came because ... well ... because it wouldn't be fair to Matt for me to off myself while he was expecting his first child. Seriously? What mother in her right mind would ever think it would be okay to kill herself at any time in her child's life? The key words in that question are, of course, in her right mind ... I was far away from being in my right mind back then, friends ... far, far, far away from being anywhere even remotely close to being in my right mind.
Though some would argue that I shouldn't, I think about that night pretty often. I think about that night and the morning five months later when I sat at my kitchen table with the pills in my hand. I think it's important for me to recognize how far I've come since then ... to own the devastating and life-altering ripple effects my decision would have caused for my sweet family, not only for my beloved children but for my precious granddaughters as well. If anything, remembering those times makes me appreciate every moment I have with them so much more ... the memories of that deep and horrible darkness makes me so very much more thankful for the light.
There's no denying that there's been a special bond between me and my oldest granddaughter Coraline from early on ... she more than anyone in those early days helped me to find the will to live again. The first time her beautiful blue eyes lit up when she recognized me ... the first time she giggled when I tickled her toes ... the first time she called me Ghee ... the first time she said, "Ghee, we're pals, wight? And we'll always be togedder, wight?" ... that's when I knew beyond the shadow of any doubt why my plan was interrupted. The first time I met her baby sister Amelie ... the first time I held her for hours because of her tummy troubles ... the first time I patted her little butt while I sang, "I will pat your bumpkin, bumpkin, bumpkin ... I will pat your bumpkin all night long" ... the first time she reached for me when I arrived at the airport ... that's when I knew beyond the shadow of any doubt why I am still here.
Last night when I was taking the dogs for a walk, my phone signaled the arrival of a message and I was surprised to see that it was from Matt. Just a tiny digression here ... I love the What's App Chat app for my phone. Not only can I now text back and forth with my Canadians free of charge, we can send pictures and voice messages as well ... use the Google and check it out because it's totally awesome. Now back to the message from last night ... it was a voice message from Coraline saying, "Ghee, can you pwease read The Family Book to me tonight?" I quickly voice messaged her back telling her I was out walking the dogs and asked if I could read to her when I got home and received an even quicker reply of her sweet little voice saying, "Yes, Ghee!" Max and Ollie may never want to go for a walk with me again ... suffice it to say that I hustled them along on the trail way faster than they wanted to go.
Coraline was tucked in her bed with The Family Book in hand when the screen came on, and I thought for sure my heart was going to burst. When we finished reading, she asked if we could read another book ... Boo always asks if we can read another book ... but when Matt said we could, she changed her mind and said she wanted me to read to her in two more nights. I told her I would read to her whenever she wanted and that all she has to do is message me, and I'll stop whatever I'm doing and read to her. The look on her face was priceless when I said, "Coraline, listen to me, baby girl ... you can call or message me anytime you want to ... OK? Whenever you want to read, you just let me know and I'll read to you ... dealio?" Her face lit up as she said, "Dealio, Ghee, dealio, Ghee, dealio, Ghee!!"
I used to dream about all the things I would teach my grandchildren one day ... I'm supposed to be the teacher, you know. I couldn't have been more wrong, friends ... I couldn't have been more wrong. It's my grandgirls who are teaching me ... about commitment and keeping my promises and being there and listening. Coraline and Amelie have taught me more about making time for the people I love and care about than anyone else ever has. They've taught me that the most important thing I can ever do for others ... my family, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors, the homeless guys under the bridge ... the most important thing I can ever possibly do for the people I care about is to be there.
To be there ... to be here ... to be alive. I'm not the teacher at all, friends ... I'm the one who needs to learn.
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