She Made Me

On this date three years ago, I woke up, let the dogs out, took a shower, got dressed, ate breakfast and went to work just like I had on every other weekday for many, many years. When I settled in at my desk that morning, I was totally oblivious to the now undeniable perfection of the timing of the events that would take place in just a few short hours. Looking back, I am amazed at all of the things that had to be in complete harmony and alignment in order for God's plan to be carried out with such absolute and undeniable perfection. It's a plan that continues to unfold with each passing day ... a plan that is so much bigger than I or my friend who walked into the conference room with me on this day three years ago could have ever possibly foreseen ... a plan that will forever cause me to stand in awe of the enormity of its depth and its far-reaching implications ... a plan that brings me to my knees when I consider the might power of the One who set it into motion.

I won’t lie … it took me a while … okay, it took me a heck of a long time … to come to terms with the fact that coming out of the closet to a woman in leadership at our company was actually a good thing. For the life of me, I couldn’t wrap my mind around what had happened that day … perhaps I may never fully grasp the why or the how of everything that occurred. But I have come to understand this … an essential and life-changing part of God’s plan all along was to bring the most unlikely and unexpected friends to join me on the road He meant for me to travel. And there is not one shred of doubt in my mind that the friend who led me to the conference room that day … the friend who listened to Him long before she listened to me … is one of them. Since that fateful day, other friends have come into my life … friends to teach me, to grow me, to challenge me, to humble me, to push me, and yes, even to write blog posts with me.

Today's post will be the third in which I am joined by my two most-requested co-authors … it’s abundantly apparent from the onslaught of emails I’ve received for the last couple of months that it’s now an expected tradition for us to write a post together to mark the significance of this day. The undeniable perfection of this day … I can’t imagine a more meaningful, appropriate or perfect way to remember this day. I mentioned in our two previous collaborative posts that these two gals have impacted my life in so many incredible ways, and my respect for them as wives and mothers and leaders and friends grows deeper and stronger as time goes on. Their wisdom, loyalty, grace, love, generosity, commitment, positivity, compassion, determination, persistence and willingness to kick me in the butt when I need it or to tell me the truth when I don’t want to hear it … words simply can never express how deeply these two incredible women have and continue to impact my life. I’m honored to once again be part of the blending of our thoughts, hearts and words with the hope of helping just one person understand how much they matter.

Grab a cup of tea or coffee, or heck, live on the wild side and have a beer or a glass of wine, settle into your most comfy chair and read along with us as we share about women … women who helped make us the women we are today. Oh, and by the way, after you finish reading our post, we’d really love it if you’d share it with the women who’ve made a difference in your life. And Ellen … please share this post with Ellen, and tell her you’d really like for us to be on her show.

“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.” --- Jackie Robinson

The most difficult part for me in writing this post has been choosing … so many women have played such important roles in making me who I am today that I’ve had a tough time choosing which of those special gals to write about. Of course my mom and my sister are at the top of the list … their love, guidance and support throughout the years (especially my downright despicable teenage years) was unconditional, steadfast and true. So many women over the years … so many women still today who impact my life in ways they may never know. But since this is a blog post and not an epic autobiography, I’ve made a difficult decision and chosen two very special women … one from my past and one from my present.

"When Terrie and I started talking about the topic for this year’s post, several women popped into my head instantly. These women have made such a difference in my life. They have taught me fight and grace. Love and honesty. Diligence and concession. Compromise and stubbornness. All of those, all in one. All for good. What these women have taught me is overall, to be good. To be kind. Not just to others, but to myself just as much."

"When presented with the topic of writing about the women who have most influenced me, without hesitation two lovely women come to mind. Actually, every day their impact on my life is felt and appreciated so I'm simply sharing what is in my heart and mind daily."

I first met her inside a classroom at Red Bank High School ... a classroom with weathered, worn and well-used chalkboards attached to its walls, and seemingly ancient wooden floors that creaked and moaned with every step I took. I was more than a bit intimidated by her height ... she was freakishly tall ... and I instantly assumed all the stories I had heard about her being an overbearing taskmaster were true. She had dark curly hair that always seemed to be in a state of disarray, as if she had just gotten out of bed or she thought hairbrushes were for the weak. She rushed into the classroom each day like a whirlwind ... always late, wearing her trademark dark brown lace-up Earth shoes, Levi's button fly jeans and blue or pink Oxford shirt, smelling of a mixture of cigarette smoke and fancy perfume. 

 "I thought of my mom first. Then my sister. My grandmothers. My friends (too many to name). My co-workers (way too many to name – so many have taught me so much, many without knowing). My bosses. My kids. My clients. A teacher who pushed me. A mentor who asked me to volunteer, to join a board."

"My mother's influence is usually most notable to people based upon our appearance. They often think we're sisters due to the striking resemblance. At times when looking at her childhood pictures I am startled by our outward similarities. And today as I've become an adult, I find myself unknowingly mimicking her mannerisms. But the similarities are mostly external; we are actually very different on the inside."

"Sometimes the smallest drops in the bucket make the biggest ripples." --- A.M. Hodgson

One of the most terrifying moments of my young life occurred on the day my teacher returned our second writing assignment, three weeks after the start of the term. In her stern, deep, gravelly voice, she announced in front of the entire class, “Teresa Dennard, remain in your seat when class is dismissed.” I’d heard plenty of rumors about what happened to kids she kept after class … detentions, extra homework, trips to the principal’s office, even being ordered to clean those disgusting chalkboards as penance for whatever wrong they had done. I was shaking like a leaf as she closed the door after the last student left the room, and my stomach leapt into my throat as she picked up my writing assignment from her desk and turned to face me. She scowled at my trembling, scrawny little body as she slowly grumbled, “I can’t figure you out, Dennard. You sit in my class like a scared rabbit and never make a sound and then you go and write something like this.” She shook my completed writing assignment at me and said, “Damn it, kid, you’re one hell of a writer.”

"And then I thought… WOW… (stay with me here) so many powerful women have no idea how much they have impacted my life. And so many more have no idea how much they can and do impact many lives. And once I started thinking about that, I couldn’t help but notice how women help women everywhere. I noticed the way a client dealt with a co-worker. How a friend talked to her daughter. I noticed the grocery store clerk, and how she dealt with a situation. The airline check-in person. The hotel staff where I just stayed."

"The significance of my mother's influence has been the strength of her character as I watched her navigate life through many challenges and adversities. Because she was authentic and honest, I witnessed her many decisions and choices, some good, some not so good. I watched her dust herself off when she's fallen, change directions, try something new, quit, try again, marry, divorce, marry again, divorce again, risk, fight, sacrifice, and work hard. I learned how to be humble, resilient, and possess a strong work ethic. She didn't hide her mistakes or minimize, I was right there alongside her, given a front row seat to her honest journey. It has given me permission to take my own risks and change direction without fear of being judged. It has shown me how to be authentic."

That tall, Earth shoes-wearing, cigarette-smoking, bespectacled teacher spent countless hours over the next several years enlightening me on how to be a better writer … pushing me, challenging me, chastising me … always making me dig deeper and reach higher. But my stubborn, bull-headed, persistent former high school English teacher didn’t stop there … she kept in touch with me regularly until she passed away several years ago at the ripe old age of 91. And in what would be our final conversation, she was still pushing me, challenging me, chastising me … instructing me to write from my heart, to write words that would help others, to write with strength and courage and truth. My voice cracked with emotion that evening as I told her of the way she had impacted my life … as I thanked her not only for believing in me all those years ago, but for spending a lifetime teaching me to believe in myself.

"This last hotel where I stayed for work was amazing. The hotel wasn’t all that great, it wasn’t a 5-star venue, but the staff was AWESOME. I could tell that these women had each other’s backs. They were so nice, so helpful, so kind. But above that, I could tell they were in it together. They’ve been working there for years together (I’ve stayed there many times over the years). They have a working relationship where it’s clear that they count on each other. And my bet is that every day is not a dream. Every day, I bet they have at least one tired and cranky traveler walk into their lives. But they make decisions on how to get through it and they have each other’s backs. How great is that? They are truly impacting each other’s lives."

"My grandmother on the other hand, we're two peas in a pod. As my grandfather would say, I'm a model '33 replica, as he related most things to automobiles. My grandmother had the ability to understand my feelings when no one else did. She was the one who held me when I was sad or afraid. She was my safe place, my soft place to land, my home."

“If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito.” --- Anita Roddick

“She’s an incredible speaker,” was my first thought regarding the unfamiliar woman who stood at the front of the main conference room in our office talking about why people behave the way they do. That thought was followed closely by my second thought … “Maybe I need to listen to what she’s saying.” And for once in my life, I was right … on both counts. This gal has done some really remarkable things in her short 40-something years of life … she’s climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, ran with the bulls in Spain, been an Ironman triathlete, spoken at national events where I can only dream of speaking, survived cancer, gathered a ton of medals for running 5Ks, 10Ks and marathons, AND she’s a wife, a stepmom, a daughter, a sister and a friend to many. She’s wise far beyond her years, and her heart beats with the passion of helping people figure out who they are and, even more, who they want to become.

"All of this observation got me thinking. Every day, every interaction, every comment, every smile (or not) is a chance to have a bit of impact (and I’m talking good impact now) on someone else’s life. It may not be huge. It may not result in you being named one of the people who made the biggest impact in someone’s life. It may not mean that you win an award. Or that you ever even hear from that person about the impact you’ve made. But you can make it. Every single day.

As I started thinking about it more and more, it reminded me of a book I read that talked about life encounters being a tapestry. Every person, every encounter is a part of this big tapestry of life. Some encounters are just that – a small encounter. Maybe that encounter is recorded as a small thread. Some encounters are years of impact. Some are large threads rolling through that tapestry. Some are bright and bold. Some are there to dominate the pattern. Some are there to fill in. Some are there to darken."

"I spent a great deal of time with my grandparents and Grandma tended to my emotional needs while my mother was busy forging a living for our survival. No matter my age, I could always call Grandma and she'd be there to listen and give support. Every birthday she was the early phone call before the day started to wish me happy birthday. She had a way of making you feel like you were the favorite. So much so, to this day I still believe it to be true."

The first personal conversation I had with her took place under somewhat unusual circumstances … she called me to the back of the room during an all-day office training event and asked me why I wasn’t participating in the exercise she had just assigned the group. My voice cracked and my eyes filled with tears as I struggled to offer up my whispered and hesitating reply. “I’ve already written my obituary … I was ready to check out last year.” The moment I uttered those words, I knew that our paths had crossed for a reason … that she was sent to help me become a better person … that I could learn much from her about what it means to truly live.

"So what if you got to choose your thread in others’ lives? Will yours be bold? Will it be bright? Will it be sparkly and hot pink (that’s for you, Terrie)? Or will it be subtle and equally awesome? Will it be dark and hurtful? Will it be critical and painful? Will it be kind and gentle? Will it be mean and judgmental?

The really cool part about this whole tapestry thought is that you get to choose how you impact others’ lives. You can wake up with a sparkly pink thread ready to go. Or maybe you bring an ugly brown, hurtful embroidery floss. Nothing against the color brown, but you know what I mean." 

"At my darkest times I have turned to Grandma for love and guidance. She has always been there. She believed in my dreams and encouraged me to pursue them without question. We laugh and cry together, take ice cream breaks or go on adventures together. We have kept each other's secrets and have jokes that only she and I know. Now as she is older, I am able to give to her what she gave to me when I was younger. It is my honor to care for her and watch over her as she did me all those years."

Since that day, I’ve grown to know her as so much more than the amazingly brave and intelligent woman who facilitates our awesome office training sessions or as the well-known and greatly sought-after speaker and life coach that she is … over the last couple of years, I’ve grown to know her as my friend. She challenges my way of thinking … urges me to forgive those who hurt me … pushes me out of my comfort zone … implores me to see the world not as it is but as it could be … inspires me to believe I can make a difference. The impact she has made and will continue to make on my life is immeasurable, and I can think of no better way to express my gratitude than to live … to value each moment and each person and each experience … to live authentically, honestly, compassionately and fearlessly … to never give up … to live.

"My advice is to choose wisely. Be the impact you want to be. Share a smile. Encourage growth. Push a friend to be the best she can be. Spend time with your grandparents. Ask your mom for more advice. Ask your co-workers how they’re doing – and listen. Create experiences for you and your friends. Be the impact you want to be. Choose some opportunities for big impact – and go for it. And then also choose everyday opportunities for everyday impact. I like to think of the wide stripes of color in a tapestry as the foundation, but the small, sparkly threads add up to make an amazing life design. Choose your thread and go make some impact!"

"Both of these women have been there for me, without hesitation or question, faithfully showing me unconditional love. They supported my far-fetched goals and have been my biggest cheerleaders. I am the woman, wife, and mother I am today because of their loving strength."

Here's the thing ... whether we’re family or friends or co-workers or strangers on the street, we all have an impact on one another when we care. The women who’ve helped to make me who I am today all have one thing in common … they cared and listened and noticed and loved. I could write a million posts and never even scratch the tip of the iceberg regarding all the women who’ve impacted my life. I don’t know about you, friends, but that’s the woman I want to be … that’s the impact I want to have … that’s the legacy I want to leave behind ... the legacy of caring and listening and noticing and loving.

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." --- Ralph Waldo Emerson