Holy, Holey, Wholly

It always surprises me how many people take the time to write to me after they read my posts, and it surprises me even more how many of those people ask me the following question ... "Where do you get the ideas for your posts?" In fact, I'm more surprised by the number of people who write in and ask me that question than I am by the number of people who write in and ask me about my relationship status. And by the way, I find it more than interesting that those relationship status questions are usually followed up with some variation of one of these two statements: "Love is love and I want you to meet the woman of your dreams and fall in love," or "You are going to burn in hell for all eternity because you're gay." Yep, I find that very, very, very interesting indeed. Sheesh ... there I go digressing again ... sorry about that ... back to the often-asked question about where I get the ideas for my posts. 

My answer to that question is simple ... everywhere. I get the ideas for my posts everywhere as long as I take the time to make sure I do one very important thing ... listen. It really is that simple ... the ideas are everywhere if I just listen. Take tonight's post, for example ... I didn't plan on writing tonight. But then a conversation at the end of the day with a friend at work took a completely random turn ... and there was the idea for tonight's post. And if I had any doubt that the idea was to be tonight's post, it disappeared when I said aloud, "I just had an idea for a blog post ... holy, holey ..." and my friend began spelling the words and we both said at the same time, "Wholly." When the ideas happen along like that, it always gives me goosebumps and has me looking around for God himself to pop into the room at any moment. Actually ... it's those times when I know for sure that He's already there.

Back when I used to do a lot of speaking for Christian women's groups, I tried really, really, really hard to live up to the words of Leviticus 20:26 ... "You must be holy because I, the LORD, am holy. I have set you apart from all other people to be my very own." I was pretty good at it, too ... that whole trying to be holy thing ... because I managed to convince a whole lot of people for a very long time that I was as holy as holy could be. Curiously, the dictionary defines holy as "one who is respected for living a very religious life" ... not a clean life or a pure life or an honest life or a trustworthy life or a sacrificial life, but instead a very religious life. That was me alright ... I was the epitome of the dictionary definition of holy. I was respected and looked up to and honored for living a very religious life. Yep, back then I was most definitely holy and I was damn proud of it, too. Read that sentence again ... there's something way off in those words ... way, way, way off the mark of what I believe God really meant when He said, "You must be holy."

The truth is that I was holey back then ... I was holey for sure, but I was most definitely not holy. All those people thought I was so godly and good, but I knew the truth. I knew that I was riddled with the holes of guilt and shame and despair and fear ... I knew how holey I was. I knew how desperately important it was that not another person on earth could even know the truth about me. I was constantly fighting what seemed to be a never-ending battle to keep the truth of who I was from leaking out. Believe me, it took a ton of energy to try to keep all those holes in my life hidden away ... a ton and then some. My heart gets really heavy when I think about all the pretending ... my soul aches when I think about all the people I managed to convince, and there are so many times when I would give everything I own if I could meet each one of them face to face just one more time and tell them how very sorry I am. Holy? I never was. Holey? From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet for as far back as I can remember, I was as holey as holey could be.

I've come to understand over the last few years that I will never really be holy ... it doesn't matter how hard I try, only God is truly I've also come to understand that the last thing I ever want to be filled with all those holes again. I want to strive with all my might to be open, honest, real and transparent in everything I say and do. Never ever do I want the kind of false holiness I pretended for all those years to have, and never never ever do I want to be holey again. What I do want to be is wholly, to strive with every breath I breathe to be wholly ... wholly focused on helping others ... wholly present when I am with the ones I love ... wholly dependable when someone is hurting ... wholly accessible when someone needs a listening ear ... wholly aware of the burdens of others ... wholly loving and caring and compassionate to everyone I know and to everyone I meet. I was thinking as I drove home after work this evening ... with all my heart, I want to be wholly ... with all my heart, I want to be wholly.

Holy, holey, wholly, friends ... holy, holey, wholly indeed.