May I Please Be Excused?

As I thought about my subject matter for this evening's post, I realized it's been quite a while since I began a post with the words, "Tonight's post comes with a disclaimer," ... and honestly, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I suppose, like most everything else in life, it's a matter of perspective. My posts that begin with a disclaimer are certainly among the most real and raw that I write, and there are those who would argue that writing from that place of realness and rawness is when I do my best writing. There are others, however, who cringe when they click on one of my posts and see a disclaimer at the beginning ... they don't want real and raw, they want light and entertaining. Which brings me back to my original contemplation as to whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that it's been a while since I began a post with a disclaimer. Perhaps that's the place where I should begin this evening's post ... from the place of contemplating whether or not my words this evening should come with a disclaimer. Perhaps that's a decision that can and should be made only by you.

It always freaks me out a little ... or a lot ... when I've been rolling a post over in my mind for a while and the very same day that I finally decide I'm brave enough to write it, I am bombarded with situations and conversations that make me wonder if everyone around me is reading my mind. Like today when I heard someone say, "I'll take whatever I can get because I just want to be a part of his life," or an ad I saw that said, "Today is the day of no more excuses," or an email that said, "I'm the one who always calls her, if I didn't, we would never talk," or a friend who told me, "I love him to a fault." And when my friend said those words ... "I love him to a fault," that's when my freak-out mode went into overdrive. Want to know why? Because I've been thinking about a title for tonight's post for a couple of weeks and had narrowed it down to two choices ... yep, "To a Fault" was one of those two. If that doesn't give you goosebumps, I don't know what will.

I've come to realize something about myself over the last month or so, or maybe some of the stuff my life-saving head doctor has been trying to get me to understand finally sunk in. One of those truths about myself is this: I am too loyal and too trusting, and more often than not, that makes me very gullible and naive. I know that's considered to be a bad thing these days ... being loyal and trusting to a fault ... and maybe it is. In all honesty, believing in people is way, way easier for me than entertaining the very remote possibility that the people I care about may not feel the same way toward me. In fact, that's so painful for me that instead of admitting it is more likely a reality rather than a possibility, I excuse people over and over and over again for taking advantage of my trust and for taking my loyalty for granted. I make excuses for them ... not reasons ... excuses. I make excuses for them when what I should do is accept the reality of what is ... I should stop making excuses for them, and I should start believing that I deserve better. So much easier written than done, my friends ... so much easier written than done.

So about the disclaimer ... I suppose I've stepped on a few toes tonight and maybe made you think about some things that make you uncomfortable. May I please be excused? No, I don't want to be excused ... I want to be me, and I want me being me to be good enough. I want to keep believing in people ... I want to keep trusting people ... I want to be loyal and committed and honest and true. I don't want to be excused at all, friends ... I don't want to be excused at all.