The Road Ahead

Today is my oldest granddaughter's fourth birthday ... how in the world can she already be four years old? It seems like only yesterday that my son Matt called super early on this morning four years ago to tell me they were at the hospital and that Becca was in full-blown labor. It seems like only yesterday that I sat at my desk at work and waited anxiously for him to call again. It seems like only yesterday when he finally called to tell me that our precious Coraline Queen had finally arrived via emergency C-section. It seems like only yesterday that I held her in my arms for the first time and kissed her tiny face. Four years old today ... my little pal is four years old today ... gosh.

I was thinking this morning as I drove to work about a conversation I had with Matt when they came back to Kansas to visit a couple of years ago. Becca's parents had invited me over for dinner at their house so that I could spend some extra time with Coraline. Matt and I spent the last hour of my visit in an upstairs bedroom playing with Coraline ... just me, my son and my little granddaughter. We laughed and giggled right along with Coraline as she jumped on the bed and said, "More tickle!" over and over and over again. Though he would never admit it, Matt's eyes glistened with emotion as he listened to me read "Go Dog Go" to my little Boo as she cuddled in my arms. My eyes were teary as well when at one point Matt softly said, "Isn't she wonderful, Mom? Isn't she just the best thing ever?" When it was Coraline's bedtime, we tucked her in together ... just me, my son and my little granddaughter. After saying my goodbyes and thank yous to Becca and her folks, Matt walked me to my car ... and I will never ever forget the words that were spoken between us that night ... never, never ever.

I was overcome with emotion when Matt hugged me and thanked me for coming to see him and Becca and Coraline, and I pulled back and looked deeply into his blue eyes.

"Mattie," I said, my voice cracking and wobbling. "Mattie ... when she's old enough to understand, I want you to tell her about the time we just spent together. In case I'm not around that long ... when she's old enough to understand, please promise me you'll tell her about this special night. Promise me you'll help her to know how very much I love her, honey. Promise me, okay?"

Matt didn't hesitate for even one second as he uttered his response to my request ... his reply was quick and steady and firm.

"You tell her yourself, Mom," he said quickly. "You tell her yourself about tonight, Mom. You hang around for a long, long time and tell her yourself."

I didn't even make it out of the neighborhood that night before I had to pull over because I was crying so hard, I couldn't see the road ahead of me.

Four years ago on this day, I had no way of knowing how very much my life would change. Back then, I was engulfed in a darkness so deep that not only could I not see the road ahead of me, I was certain there was no more road to travel. I was so certain the road ahead of me was ending that I said goodbye to my newborn granddaughter on the very same day I met her. 

Here's the thing, friends ... I still can't see the road ahead of me, I can't look ahead and see what life has in store for me down the road. I can try my best to plan ahead or try to map out my journey, but the truth is I really have no idea of what the road ahead will be. What I do know is that there will be times when the road leads me to places filled with love and happiness and times when it leads me to places that fill me with dread and fear. There will be times when the road ahead is lined with people who want to jump in the car and ride with me and times when no one is there. There will be times when the road is smooth and easy and times when the road is rough and filled with potholes.

I may not be able to see the road ahead of me, friends, but I can try with everything in me to believe there is a road ahead of me. And there's one more thing I can do ... I can hope I get the chance to honor Matt's request of me that night standing by the side of my car ... I can hope I get to tell my little Coraline in person someday about the magical night when it was just her, her daddy and Ghee.

Happy birthday, baby girl ... thank you for showing me the road was still there ... love you forever and always.