Over the last couple of weeks, I've spent time updating my will, making changes to my funeral plans and writing letters for my children. And no, I'm not planning on kicking the bucket just yet. I simply had not revised anything since my youngest child reached 18 or my oldest got married, and I needed to take care of a few things. I will admit that I have contemplated my mortality more since my diabetes diagnosis, and I want everything to be taken care of for my children when the day arrives that God calls me home. I want to have my affairs in order, my ducks in a row, my t's crossed and my i's dotted, so to speak ... I want to be ready.
As I signed the paperwork for my will, the simplicity of the process gave me pause to think about how the description of everything I own and all of my wishes for the disbursement of those possessions fit neatly onto three sheets of paper. Three sheets of paper represented a lifetime of work, of effort, of striving to attain a certain place in the world. Three small sheets of paper. It was one of those moments ... one of those surreal, almost movie-like moments ... when you think about what really matters and what is ultimately most important in life.
Walking to my car, I got a bit emotional ... there is something humbling about placing documents containing your final wishes into an envelope and sealing it shut. As I pulled away from the parking lot, I began to think about my children. My mind sailed down memory lane, recalling both happy and sad times before landing on thoughts of the adults they have become, all of them self-sufficient and following their dreams. I thought of my brother and sister and what the future may hold for them since they are quite a bit older than me. I thought of my friends and how blessed I am by those relationships. And then ... then I thought about heaven.
I think about heaven more now than I used to, and perhaps that is simply because I'm growing older. I wonder what it will be like, where my place of service will be, if there will be fat wiener dogs and sweet yellow labs allowed, how the glory and honor and praise for the Father and the Son will be never-ending. Most of all, I wonder if I'm ready ... if my heart is the heart that God desires from me ... one of love, one of repentance, one of service, one of confession, one of honesty, one of compassion, one of forgiveness, one of humility, one of purity, one of sacrifice.
There is no doubt that God is working on me right now, even though I don't understand the path He presently has me walking. There is no doubt that He is humbling me, cleansing me, breaking me, growing me, preparing me. My deepest prayer, my strongest desire is that not only on the day He speaks my name and ushers me to eternity, but in all the minutes of all the days that remain in my life, I can say, "Hey, God ... I'm ready."
1 comment:
WOW! i don't know if any of us have hearts like that yet. it is surreal to realize that moments and weeks and months and even years and years of LIFE can be so neatly comprised upon three sheets of paper. written down. finalized. very humbling indeed! :) great perspective, as always. ;)
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