Just about every Saturday morning, I go to Walmart. I go there because I don't like to shop at all ... yes, I know what you're thinking, but my statement really does make sense (at least in my own mind). I go to Walmart because I can get everything I need there which means I don't have to shop at any other stores. From lawn care products to dog food to toiletries to cleaning supplies to sugar free Cool Whip ... I can get it all at Walmart. It's funny to me that I used to love to shop ... I can remember shopping with my mom at the mall or the specialty clothing store in Red Bank named Cooley's Clothing. I used to love shopping with my children, especially on the day after Thanksgiving. But now ... now I detest shopping, hence my Saturday morning "buy it all at once" Walmart shopping.
Last weekend as I was standing in the dog treats aisle musing over which rawhide bones to buy for Julie, I started thinking about how much my shopping ventures have changed over the last few years. Now that my kiddos have all moved out, the things I buy are quite different than they used to be, and I have to buy less of things like toilet paper and laundry detergent and food. A pitcher of tea lasts over a week now as opposed to when my brood still lived at home and we went through a gallon each day. There are certain things I never buy now, like ice cream and school supplies and multipacks of toothbrushes.
The more I thought about shopping for my physical needs, the more I began to think about how it's not possible to walk into a store and shop for my emotional or spiritual needs. And the more I thought about that, the more I thought about how often that's exactly what I try to do. I try to find a way to have a Walmart heart ... one that I can just walk in and pick up off of a shelf, maybe even slip into a dressing room and try on one or two to see if there's one that fits, and then go on my way. So many times, I try to have the heart that everyone else thinks I should have ... the heart that loves the way others tell me to love, the heart that does what others tell me to do, the heart that goes where others tell me to go.
I wonder sometimes how many minutes, hours, days, months, even years I've spent ignoring my own heart to follow a heart that isn't really mine at all. That wondering, that pondering, leads me to another place of questioning ... so what now? I'm almost 52 years old ... so what now? Do I continue to be concerned about the opinions and advice of everyone around me telling me who I should be or what I should do or where I should go? Or do I follow my heart ... listen to that inner voice ... be courageous and strong enough to stop my heart shopping and wear the one that fits me best ... the one that God created within me and desires for me to have?
Yesterday I read a quote that has made me think even more about the shortness of this life... a quote that has made me once again, as I have so often over the last year, pray that God would strip away my pretense, erase my pride, make my heart be one that seeks after Him and Him alone. "The benefit of death is you know not to waste life living someone else's choices. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."
Hmmm ... that brings to mind another quote ... a quote from God's Word that shall be my prayer this morning, that shall be in my heart and on my lips today and every day ... "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Yes, Lord, please create in me a heart that is pure in Your sight ... a heart that cares not what others may think of me or say about me ... a heart that can't be bought at any store ... a heart that was purchased by Your blood on the cross at Calvary.
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