... and we danced.

I wish I could better recall certain things from the days when my kiddos were babies, but the three of them are close in age and I spent most of my time just trying to keep them all clean, fed, healthy and clothed when they were small. If I could go back in time, there are many things I would do differently ... so many things ... but the biggest of them is that I would have been a better mom. I wouldn't have let the urgent get in the way so often ... instead, I would have savored the moments that mattered most and worried about the other stuff after they were all grown up. Yesterday, as I watched and listened to my children as they ate together, drank together, laughed together and cried together, I was overwhelmed by their spirits, by their strength, by their wisdom, by their compassion, by their love.

Yesterday and today, my little house was alive and bustling with the activity of six amazing young adults, a precious baby girl, two sloppy big dogs and two rambunctious little wiener dogs. From the moment Matt, Becca and Coraline walked in the door yesterday morning until the moment they left this afternoon, my house became a home once again. Even though it was only for a while, the silent walls that now surround me each day resounded with baby giggles and the voices of those who mean more to me than anyone in the world. So often throughout the hours they were here, I found myself wishing I would have better marked the times we had together over the years ... I found myself wishing I could remember every tiny detail of every single moment we shared ... I found myself wishing I could have some do-overs with them ... I found myself wishing for more time to love them the way they deserve to be loved.

I only remember dancing with my sons Matt and Brad a couple of times, and those times involved a wedding ... Matt and Becca's wedding to be precise. And I think I remember dancing with my daughter Meghann a couple of times at my great niece's wedding ... at least I hope there was at least a time or two that I twirled with my daughter. I don't recall dancing with them when they were babies ... I remember bouncing them to get them to stop crying, but I don't remember popping a cassette tape into the old boom box, lifting them in my arms and dancing. I wish I would have danced with them more ... I wish I would have built towers of blocks with them more ... I wish I would have laid on the floor and watched them watch a train roll around the tracks more ... I wish I would have listened to them more.

Even though I wish desperately that I could fix all the things I didn't do right with my children, today I have yesterday. Last night, as we all sat in my living room and talked about some very big and hard life stuff, I listened. I listened as all six of my children poured out their hearts and told me that what they want most from me is that I be their mom ... nothing more, nothing less ... just be their mom and be present in their lives. I listened as my children called me out on some huge mistakes I've made, and told me they forgive me. I listened as my children reaffirmed their love for me and assured me they are not ashamed of who I am. I listened as my children ... all six of them ... told me that we share an extra-special bond that many families don't have and how much it means to them that we communicate openly with one another. There were plenty of tears, yes, but so much more ... so very much more ... there was plenty of love. 

Yesterday ... yesterday, I laid on the floor and watched my granddaughter watch a train roll around the tracks ... yesterday, I built a tower of memories with her ... yesterday, I listened to her sweet little voice as she said, "Uh-oh," and "All done," and "No, no, no," and "Up, Boo," and "More, more," and "Ghee." Yesterday, I popped a CD into the CD player ... yesterday, I lifted my granddaughter into my arms ... and we danced ... and we danced ... and we danced.