I haven't mentioned you in a while in my posts, which has prompted a significant number of emails asking if I'm still meeting with you. So when I was at your office for my appointment today, I told you I was going to write about you tonight. Though I didn't say it out loud, in my mind, I said the "p" word ... yep, in my mind, I said, "I promise I'm going to write about the life-saving head doctor tonight." And though I may be a lousy person in the eyes of many nowadays, I still always try my best to keep my promises. So tonight, doc, this is me keeping my "in my mind" promise from earlier today.
I've long wondered why you haven't given up on me, especially considering what a wreck I was the first day I walked into your office last year. I know that it's your job, but you still could have decided that I was way too much trouble and sent me along to another doctor. And as I type those words, I can't help but think about Bill Murray and the character he portrayed in the movie What About Bob? Good grief, Bob was such a nutcase that he caused his psychiatrist to have a mental breakdown ... sheesh. Thankfully, I'm not Bob, and you're not Dr. Leo Marvin. But back to that first visit ... I didn't want to come see you, you know that. Not only do you know that now, you knew that then. In fact, I'm sure you knew the day I walked through the door that my other doctor had been trying to get me to come see you for a while ... OK ... she had been trying to get me to come see you for quite a while. And now you know the inside of my head well enough to know that I put up a tremendous fight before I finally caved in and scheduled that first appointment.
Today as I drove home after our visit, I started thinking back over the last year and all the discussions we've had. I started wondering just how many hours I've spent sitting in the chair in your office staring out the big windows that line the wall. I started wondering how many tears I've cried and how many tissues I've gone through. I started wondering (as I do each time) just what it is that you write on your paper as I talk. I started wondering how many times you've probably wished that you could just open my heart and pour in a gallon or two of "I'm OKness." I started wondering how many times I've wished that same thing ... that you could flip some magical life-saving head doctor switch and make me be well. I started wondering why you haven't given up on me ... why you keep working so tirelessly to help me get better ... why you seem to believe in me and my ability to make it through. I started wondering about a whole lot of things, and then I started thinking about the things I know ... you know, the things I don't have to wonder about because I already know.
I thought about how much you've helped me over the last year, and yes, I know that you've helped me. I thought about how much I dislike homework and doing some of the really hard things you've encouraged me to do. I thought about how stinking hot your office got last summer because there was no air conditioning in the evenings. I thought about how patient and kind you have been with me, even when I was a complete jerk. I thought about the day you told me I was worth saving and how humbled I was by your words. I thought about you telling me I need to talk to God and listen to Him and Him alone. I thought about your attitude of acceptance and how you've tried tirelessly to teach me to accept myself. I thought about how I haven't said thank you anywhere nearly enough for all you have done and continue to do to help me get well.
So ... this one's for you, life-saving head doc ... thank you for being on this part of my journey with me ... thank you for not giving up on me ... thank you for believing that I'm going to make it ... thank you for living up to your new nickname ... I wouldn't be writing these words tonight if I hadn't walked into your office last year. Thank you, dear doctor formerly known as the stupid head doctor ... thank you for helping to save my life.
P.S. Now can I be done????? Oh, never mind ... you answered that question already today ... twice.
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