Just Too Much

I've known my friend Pat for, gosh, I'm not sure how many years we've been friends, but it's got to be close to 15 or so. And over those years, we've shared a lot of life experiences, including both of us losing our moms. We've probably spoken more than a million words to one another ... we've laughed and we've cried together ... we've worried about each other ... we've prayed together. But never once have we had a conversation like we did tonight as I drove home. Tonight, my dear friend Pat told me that someone she cared for deeply committed suicide a couple of days ago. I'm penning tonight's blog at her request ... tonight, I'm writing for my friend, Pat.

I know that I said I didn't want to revisit the subject matter from my New Year's Day post, but as Pat and I talked this evening, I understood that I couldn't recount Pat's words without addressing a couple of things from my "Easier to Die" post and she readily agreed. As Pat spoke about her friend, my mind quickly flew back to that weekend in February when I was so very close to ending my own life. I thought about the day I was sitting at my kitchen table, pills in my hand, completely convinced that there was no other way to escape the pain that filled my soul or the torment that flooded my mind. My heart went out to Pat as she told me the details of what had taken place, and I knew that my sympathy for her and her friend's family came from a place of recognition ... a place of knowing ... a place of understanding. I understood not only the gut-wrenching sadness of my friend Pat that led to her tears and grief, I understood the permeating sadness of her friend that led him to take his life. I understood both, because I've been both ... I've been the grief-stricken friend, and I've the been the friend who wanted to die. I've been both, friends, I've been both.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I've been flooded with emails and messages over the last week, so many that I simply cannot read them all. Of the ones I've read, some offered words of love, encouragement and acceptance, while others were filled with words of judgment and condemnation. I realized something tonight as Pat and I talked ... almost all of the messages I read didn't address my confession that I was within minutes of committing suicide. That's right, friends ... the focus of most of the messages I read was centered on my confession that I am gay, not that I was ready to end my life. I only have one thing to say ... think about the words you just read, friends ... think long and hard about the words you just read.

There are some things Pat wanted me to tell you tonight, some things that are on her heart as she grieves the loss of her friend. Tell those you love how very much you love them; never assume that you will have another day or another moment with them. Don't be afraid to step in if you feel that a family member or friend is contemplating suicide; make a phone call and get them some help. It's better to make them angry than it is to watch them die. Pay attention to the warning signs of depression, and again, do not be afraid to step in and enlist the aid of a professional. And again ... and again ... and again ... and again ... it's better to make someone angry than it is to watch them die. 

I can't help but think about the young man Gary whom I wrote about a few days ago ... Gary is alive tonight, and I pray that he will be alive for many nights to come. A while back, a friend asked me to promise that I would never go back to where I was on that Saturday last February, and I told her that I couldn't make that promise. I did, however, promise her that should I ever feel that I was nearing that place, I would ask for help. Young Gary feels the same way ... he can't promise me or anyone else that he will never again feel that suicide is his only way out, but he can promise to ask for help. You see, Gary and I understand how dark depression can be ... we understand indeed.

Treasure every single moment, friends ... love deeply and laugh often ... help each other ... don't let differences divide ... watch out for each other ... make time to listen and time to talk ... pay attention and step up and step in. Treasure every single moment ... treasure each other ... treasure life.