For Gary's Sake

First things first tonight ... I'd like to announce that the stupid head doctor henceforth will forever be known as the life-saving head doctor. I used the "p" word and made a promise to her that she would receive a new moniker following my New Year's Day post. Speaking of the life-saving head doctor and my "Easier to Die" post, I'd like to say something before I launch into tonight's blog entry. I've complained and griped and whined a lot over the last year about having to see the head doctor ... OK ... I've complained and griped and whined a lot about having to see all of my doctors ... but I've especially done it a lot about the head doctor.  The truth is she has played a huge role in saving my life, and I am grateful for her in ways that words can never express. Many people have contacted me over the last three days who are dealing with very difficult life and death issues, and if you are one of those dear people ... please, please, please hear me when I say this ... find a doctor, a life-saving head doctor, to help you the way mine has helped, and continues to help me. You don't have to try to do it alone ... you absolutely do not have to try to do it alone.

The day after I posted "Easier to Die," I received a message from a young man whom I've never met. I asked his permission to share his message, and he agreed. "My name is Gary and i'm 18 years old. I got your number from a person who knows you that shared your blog last night. I was going to kill myself this weekend. Had all my plans ready. Then I read your blog. I'm telling my parents tonight I'm gay. It would be easier to die but if you can do it and live maybe so can I." Gary and I have been messaging back and forth since Wednesday, and he did tell his parents and he began seeing a counselor today. I believe with all my heart that Gary is going to make it ... I believe that Gary is going to live rather than die, and that, friends, that young man reading my post and choosing to live is worth it all.

Young Gary has asked me many questions over the last three days, as have many of you. And as I said earlier this week, I have many questions of my own to which I'm not sure I will ever know the answers. I'm going to try tonight, however, to answer a few that have been posed to me repeatedly this week. But after that ... well, after that, I'm going to get back to writing about the things that matter most to me. Though I was incredibly humbled by the kind words of my friend in her guest blog, one thing she said is true ... "Not one of these things alone defines her, but a combination of all of her attributes makes Terrie who she is." I know that it's at the top of the list now for some of you, but my sexuality isn't what defines me or makes me who I am. After I answer some of your questions tonight concerning that one small part of me, I'm going to get back to writing about the people and things that matter most to me. I'm going to get back to writing about God and His unconditional, unfailing love ... about the journey of life we all share ... about lessons in the big and little things we encounter along the way ... about the funny and the goofy and the sad and the serious. But for tonight ... for tonight, I'm going to try to answer some of your questions about Tuesday's post and hope once again that you will read my words with hearts of love and compassion ... that you will read my words through the eyes of my guest blogger ... "And to me, she's a friend. And to me, that's all that really matters."

1) How long have you known you were gay? I don't remember exactly how old I was when I first knew that I was attracted to girls rather than boys, but it was when I was in elementary school.

2) Did your children know that you were posting the blog, and did they feel that you should? Yes, my children all read the blog before I posted it. My children want nothing more than for me to be healthy, both mentally and physically. From the day I talked with my children back in October, they have been loving, supportive and encouraging in every way. And I'll answer another question here that I've been asked a ton ... when I told my children, all three of them said they had known for many, many years. And no, I was never in a relationship ... my children (along with a ton of other people) just knew.

3) Why did you choose to come out now? I really don't have a definitive answer to this question other than to say that trying to continue to hide was quite literally killing me from the inside out. The day that I lost it at work and my friend took me into the conference room, I remember saying over and over again ... "I'm so tired. I'm so tired of trying to be who everyone else wants me to be. I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired." I chose to be honest about who I am now, because I simply couldn't carry the burden of pretense any longer ... I just couldn't do it any longer. Though I had opened up to several people in my life, I still felt as though I was living a lie.

4) What is your relationship with God? Do you still have one? As I said in my post on Tuesday, my faith has been rocked to its very core, and I've questioned more times than I can count why God gave me life. I do know that I love God with all my heart, and I believe that He loves me. As to my relationship with Him now, as is true with all believers, it's a work in progress that will go on until I draw my last breath. For all that I don't know, I know to the innermost depth of my soul that God's love, grace and mercy is for all people, including me.

Including me ... those are words to close this post with, friends ... God's love is for all people, including me and Gary. Take care of yourself, young man ... stay strong and keep breathing. For my sake and yours, hang on, young brother, hang on.