Figuring it Out

When my doctor sat in a chair across from me three years ago and told me I shouldn't be alive, I remember climbing into my car and saying aloud, "I wonder why I didn't die?" I was seriously overweight, my blood sugar was incredibly high, my A1c was almost 15, and my cholesterol and triglycerides were off the charts. My doctor was very correct in her assessment when she said that by all medical odds, I should have died. But ... here I sit on my couch typing words into my computer. And the same question I had that day when I climbed into my car lingers with me still ... "I wonder why I didn't die?"

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at the counter in the kitchen at work eating my lunch when a gal came in and put a bag of popcorn in the microwave. We chatted until the kernels finished popping, and then I watched as she proceeded to open the bag and dump a ton of salt on the steaming popcorn. I didn't say a word, but I must have had a look on my face because she said, "Yeah, I know I'm probably gonna get high blood pressure." We then began to chat about cholesterol and blood pressure, and I said, "I shouldn't be here, you know ... I shouldn't be alive." And as my friend replied, "I know," my lingering question became a statement. "I don't know why I am ... I don't know why God didn't just take me then." My friend didn't hesitate even for a second as she said matter of factly, "That's what you have to figure out. And you have to ask Him. You have to figure it out."

This has been a lousy weekend ... a really lousy weekend. Tonight, trying to figure anything out seems impossible to me, especially something as big as why I didn't kick the bucket three years ago or just what it is God wants to tell me or what lesson He's trying to teach me from the events of yesterday and today ... impossible. Tonight, I feel like I remember feeling when I fell off the swing on the playground when I was a kid ... like the wind has been knocked out of me and I can't breathe.

Breathe ... maybe that's part of figuring it out ... just breathe.