This morning, I was awakened at 5 a.m. by loud thunder and intense lightning. Being as terrified of storms as you know I am, I immediately jumped out of bed, raced into my living room and turned on the television to check the weather. An audible groan escaped my lips when I heard that we were under a severe thunderstorm warning, and I quickly grabbed my backpack, food and dogs and headed to the basement. I had barely gotten Julie and Ollie into their kennel when I knew I had a big problem ... water that had been trickling in around one of the windows in the basement suddenly went from a trickle to two spouting fountains, one of which was soaking the outlet where my dryer was plugged in. I stood there for a few seconds staring at the black box wondering if I should risk grabbing the wet plug and removing it from the outlet, unsure whether I would be electrocuted if I did. I decided the risk of unplugging the dryer cord was less than leaving it connected, so I quickly jerked the plug out ... obviously since I'm typing this post, I didn't fry myself by doing so. I am, however, wondering if I should ever use my dryer again.
I spent the next hour and a half holding containers up to the leaking window trying to catch as much of the flowing fountains as I could and then mopping up the floor when the rain finally slacked off. When I eventually took Ollie out to potty in the front yard on his leash (no rabbit or bird killing when he's on the leash), I was greeted by several of my neighbors who were out in their yards watching the water rising quickly into their yards from the creek across the street. In the 16 years that I've lived in my house, I think I've only seen the creek cross the road and come so close to my house one other time. I chatted with my neighbors for a few minutes about the storm, traded Oliver for Julie's potty time, showered and ate breakfast, checked the basement one more time and hopped in my car to head to work. Dark clouds still covered the sky as I drove, and as rain began to fall on my car, I said aloud, "Not more rain! No!" I wondered if I should turn around and go home, convinced that water was probably pouring in around my basement window again, but decided to trust ... there's that word again ... trust that the weather guys were correct when they said that most of the rain was over. I grumbled aloud about the water in my basement, wondering how much money it will cost to repair the window. Only a week or so ago, I had to have a new water heater installed, which pretty much exhausted my supply of extra cash. But it was as I pulled into a parking place at work that I had "a moment," a moment when God spoke. And this time ... this time ... I listened.
I've written a great deal about the beating my faith has taken over the last year or so ... I've written about my struggle to believe that God loves me ... I've written about not attending church. What I haven't written about was how angry I have been with God ... how deep my self-hatred really goes ... how I feel as though I will never find my way back to some semblance of peace. I've been trying to ignore all the signs that God has been placing before me ... I've been trying to deny His love ... I've been trying to believe that He couldn't possibly still have a purpose or plan for me. I'm wrong, friends ... I'm wrong. Not only does He love me now, He always has ... from before I was born. And not only did He love me then, He created me. God loves me ... and He created me ... just the way I am. As I talked with a friend at the end of the day at work, I said those very words ... "He has always loved me ... He always has. It's time for me to go back to church ... it's time for me to stop hating myself so much ... He kept me here for a reason ... it's time for me to listen." Tears filled my eyes as I spoke, and when I read an email from my friend later, my tears fell like rain as I read the following words ... "He made it through. YAY!!!"
I know it's time ... He knows it's time ... I'm listening ... ears wide open ... I'm listening.
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