Speak Up

For as far back as I can remember, I knew that if I wanted my mom to hear what I was saying, I had to be on her left side when I talked. Mom was completely deaf in her right ear, and if you spoke while you were on her right side, she couldn't hear a word you said. That meant that every time I went shopping with Mom, I walked on her left side. Every time I sat next to her in church, I sat on her left side. No matter what we were doing or where we were, if I wanted Mom to hear me, I knew to get on her left side. As she grew older, Mom gradually lost some of the hearing in her left ear as well, and the more her hearing failed, the louder we had to talk so that she could hear us. And if we spoke too softly, Mom would always say, "You're gonna have to speak up! I can't hear a dern word you're sayin'!"

If anyone would have told me just a few short months ago that I would ever stand before a group as a speaker again, I would have done one of two things ... laughed or cried. In fact, I was completely convinced that my days of being a speaker were over. But much to my surprise, it appears that God may still have a plan for me in that regard ... different venues and different subject matter for sure, but a plan nonetheless. A plan I don't even begin to understand ... a plan that is taking me so very far outside of my comfort zone ... a plan that is simply terrifying to me ... a plan that is from Him, of Him, because of Him.

This morning, I was one of three speakers asked to participate in a presentation at a mental health center concerning a relatively new countywide suicide prevention initiative. I had never met the other two speakers, but it didn't take long this morning for me to marvel at the courage and strength they possessed. I could feel the passion within them for the work they are doing to help others, and I was humbled by their selfless commitment to help save the lives of others they may never meet. Each of us told our story and answered questions posed to us by the organizer of the session and from people in the audience. The emotion within the room was obvious as tears filled the eyes of the three of us on the panel and many in the group to whom we were speaking as well.

I was asked to talk about who I am this morning, and to talk about how close I came to taking my life a year and a half ago. Both of those are tough subjects for me, as those of you who've been reading along with me well know, and I've been a nervous wreck for the last week as the time grew closer for this morning's meeting. But ... but ... but ... when the session ended this morning and I climbed in my car to head to work, I had a handful of business cards from people who asked me to come and speak to their groups. Someone said to me a week or so ago that I wanted God to walk right up to me and tell me that who I am is okay with Him ... to tell me that He made me who I am for a reason.

Maybe ... just maybe ... this morning He did just that. Maybe He did indeed.