All Tied Up

Last week, I spent an hour and a half watching a short video over and over and over again, and no, it wasn't mine. It was an instructional video about how to tie a double Windsor knot on a necktie. I knew how to tie a simple knot on a tie, but when one of the young men I work with asked me if I knew how to tie a double Windsor, I decided it was high time that I learn. And I'm proud to tell you that after watching the instructional video at least 35 times, I now have mastered the art of double Windsor knot tying. While I was standing in front of the mirror that evening, laptop perched atop my dresser as I tried again and again and again to follow the instructions on the video, my mind flew back to my childhood. I've mentioned before that one of the more interesting parts of my journey of the last year has to do with long-forgotten memories charging back into my brain, triggered often by something simple and seemingly meaningless. 

Such was the case last week as I practiced tying the double Windsor knot ... I was instantly transported back to my Dad's big walk-in closet and the rack that held his ties. I remember how I would beg Daddy to let me dress up in his ties ... there was this one red tie that I adored ... it was red with little specks of black and grey in it. I remember Daddy patiently teaching me how to tie a simple knot in the tie ... I remember him standing behind me as he said, "Over and under, up and through and around and back through ... now pull it tight around your neck, Sam." I remember Daddy's ties alright ... I remember them so very well.

Those of you who know me know that I still love ties ... love, love, love them. I'm not sure I can explain it really ... there's just something special about ties ... there's something almost magical about them to me. I hadn't worn a tie since my college years until the office holiday party last year ... if you'll recall, I wrote about my snazzy outfit I wore that night. After the party, I got braver, and I wore ties fairly often to work for several months ... until I suddenly stopped wearing them. I stopped wearing ties because ... well ... I stopped because I'm a woman and women shouldn't wear ties, right? Women should wear dresses and high heels and paint their nails and like sparkly stuff, right? But I don't like any of those things ... I've tried and tried and tried to make myself like those things, and I just don't. I like suspenders and shiny shoes and ties. I stopped wearing ties because I shouldn't want to wear ties ... should I?

Today I wore a tie to work ... a paisley bow tie, to be exact. I've been issued a challenge to wear a tie to work every day this week. I know that the challenge is about way, way, way more than just wearing a tie every day ... it's about being myself ... it's about being okay with being myself ... it's about not being afraid or ashamed to be myself. You know what else I know? I know that putting on the tie is the easy part ... it's wearing who I am and accepting myself that's the tough part, friends ... that's the tough part for sure.