I Almost Missed Her

If you've been reading my blog for more than a day or two, you've probably picked up on my deep love for my children and my granddaughter Coraline (or as I generally refer to her in my posts, C.J.). I write often about my kiddos and even more often about Coraline ... sorry, kids, but she is my only grandchild. Well, for a few more days anyway ... we're all on baby watch in a big way as we await the impending arrival of Coraline's new sister. In fact, in a few minutes, I'll be Skyping with C.J. ... just in case the baby comes this weekend ... you see, if I don't get to Skype with her every week, I am not a happy Ghee.

Waiting for my newest granddaughter to be born has made me think an awful lot about the days and weeks leading up to Coraline's birth ... days that were anything but happy ones for me. You see, the announcement that my oldest son and daughter-in-law were expecting their first child threw a wrench into my plan to take my life ... I couldn't do that to my son when he was so overjoyed to become a father. Just further proof of the depth of my depression and irrational thinking back then ... a parent should never ever be able to do that to her children under any circumstances ... never, never ever. I sobbed like crazy the night they told our family they were pregnant ... but my tears were far, far, far from being tears of joy.

I spent the months leading up to Coraline's birth making videos for her ... for her birthdays, graduation, first date, wedding day, the birth of her own children, days when she was sad, days when she was frightened, days when she was sick. More than anything, I wanted her to know that I loved her and that I was sorry I wouldn't be part of her life as she grew up. I wanted her to know that I waited until I could meet her before I checked out. As the day drew closer for her to be born, I finalized my plans and got my affairs in order. And then I waited.

I went to see C.J. the day after she was born ... I cried the entire way there and back in the car, and most of the time I was at the hospital meeting my granddaughter for the first time. I whispered in her perfect little ear and told her I loved her ... I told her how beautiful she was ... I told her how sorry I was ... I told her I hoped she wouldn't believe all the bad things she would hear about me. When it was time to leave, I kissed my sweet Coraline gently on her soft little cheek and said goodbye ... only she and I knew I was saying goodbye forever.

There have been a million thoughts coursing through my mind for the last few days ... memories of that day and the days that followed ... sitting at my kitchen table with the pills in my hand ... being interrupted ... seeing my doctor ... agreeing to take the antidepressants ... going to the head doctor for the first time. But the thought that has overwhelmingly settled within me ... the thought that has taken up residence deep in my mind ... the thought that has seared itself into the deepest part of my heart and soul ... I ... almost ... missed ... her. I almost missed her laughter ... I almost missed her hugs ... I almost missed her "Hi, Ghee, hi!" and her "I wuv you, Ghee!" ... I almost missed seeing her crawl ... I almost missed the videos of her first steps, her first words, her first Christmas ... I almost missed the light in her eyes when she saw me at the airport ... I ... almost ... missed ... her.

My phone just rang ... and I heard the sweetest little voice ... "Ghee, you ready a Skype now?" I sure am, baby girl ... I sure, sure am.