The store was busy, as it is most Saturdays, and the line to check out was pretty long. I was in no hurry, so it didn't bother me to wait ... truth be told, sometimes I'm grateful for long waits at a store on the weekends because it's at least a little less time I spend sitting home alone. There were 15 or so people in line ahead of me, including the three women directly in front of me who looked to be about my age. They were laughing and talking about the great bargains they had found, where they were going for lunch and what movie they would see afterwards ... it was obvious that they were friends out for a day of fun together. I wasn't eavesdropping, by the way ... they were loud and boisterous, and everyone waiting in line could hear their conversation. It was easy to pick up on the respect they had for one another, and I stood behind them quite impressed at how kind they were to each other, thinking they must be really awesome gals ... until the woman in front of me dropped one of the items she was holding. She didn't realize the garment had slipped from her hand, so I stooped over and picked it up, tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me ... you dropped this." She turned and took the item from my outstretched hand and immediately turned back to her friends ... she didn't say thank you ... she didn't say oops ... she didn't say one word ... she just took the shirt and resumed talking to her friends.
I think one of the toughest things in life is feeling invisible or unworthy, and I spent the next 10 minutes while I waited in line last Saturday feeling just that way. It's crazy, I know ... those women were total strangers, and yet in one split second, they managed to cause those feelings to sweep over me like warm, gooey syrup on hot, fluffy pancakes. I'm sure it didn't help that the week before I had seen some people who used to be a huge part of my life ... people who wouldn't even look at me or say hello. I'm also sure it didn't help that someone told me about some not so nice comments some people made about me ... people whom I thought actually liked me. I'm equally as sure it didn't help that I was called out last week concerning my level of respect for someone I never intended to be disrespectful toward in any way. And I'm sure as well that ... oh, never mind ... I get it and I'm sure you do as well.
I get it. I get it that someone can be talking to me and someone better walks up and it's like I'm not even there anymore ... I get it. I get it that a group of women who are talking about sewing or makeup or pedicures or fancy clothes don't include me in the conversation ... I get it. I get it that people talk about the way I walk or dress or wear my hair ... I get it. I get it that I miss people who don't miss me ... I get it. I get it that I'm not the kind of friend people want to invite over for dinner on a Saturday night ... I get it. I get it that people talk about me and say mean things about me behind my back ... I get it. I get it that I don't fit in at a girls night out gathering ... I get it. I get it that a lot of folks are really good at pretending to love me when they actually don't ... I get it. But just because I get it ... just because I've come to accept the reality of what is ... just because I get it doesn't make it hurt any less, and it doesn't make me feel any less invisible or unworthy.
I'm closing tonight's post with a photo someone sent to me today ... a really powerful photo. Remember, friends ... words can heal or words can hurt ... the choice is up to you. And remember this, too ... sometimes saying nothing can do the very same thing.
I get it ... do you?
6 comments:
Thank you for being brave and writing the things you do. A friend sent me your link last year while I was in the hospital after trying to kill myself. This one really talked to me because I get it with you. The difference with you is you get it and manage to keep going and living. Lots of times when I read what your writing I think you are living inside my body because you say what I feel. I would like to be brave like you but I'm not. Maybe I will be one day and I can only hope so. You are right when you said just because I get it doesn't make it stop hurting. That's the part that's hardest is the hurting. I hope you never stop writing because you help me every day. Thank you.
I completely agree with the previous commenter's sentiment concerning your bravery and courage in writing what many of us experience internally on a daily basis. I, along with many others, look forward to reading your words each morning and am thankful for your "realness" in sharing. Keep up the good work!
If you get it that people don't like you, then you should change. If you're not included there's a reason why. You need to do more than get it, you need to change who you are. It's that simple. God is trying to tell you something and you're the one who isn't listening. Get it?
I think you need to make a hard choice between three options (there are probably more but I can think of three). 1) You decide to continue celebrating your lifestyle by the way you dress, the way you wear your hair, etc. knowing and being okay with the fact that you will sometimes be looked down upon by conservative, midwestern folk. 2) You continue being who you currently are but move to a part of the country where lesbians are more accepted than they are in Johnson County Kansas or 3) You decide that you'd rather hide that part of you by dressing less like a lesbian and more like other women. It comes down to one of those.
Decide, live with it and then stop thinking the entire world is against you.
Anonymous #3, you are a mean person. Is that how God wants you to be?
to #4's comments - i choose #1 for you, if I get a vote.
Dear Anonymous 5: Matthew 10:22 says "You will be hated by everyone because of Me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved." If speaking the truth of the Word of God makes me a mean person, then I am mean. God wants me and all who are His true servants to speak out against the sin the world says is acceptable or created by God. Homosexuality is a sin and Teri is reaping the consequences of her choice by being isolated and shunned. It is her choice and not God's will that she continues to pursue the homosexual lifestyle and agenda. I pray daily for her to confess and repent and return to her first love of Jesus. Her talent and abilities are exceptional and they were given to her by God to lead others to Him not away.
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